Where's your Messiah now?

OK guys, we are going to have to kick things up a notch.

According to a British paper, some Scientology muckety-muck has told Tom Cruise he is the Messiah of Scientology. They spouted some bullshit about how Christ was criticized for his views, and so is Tom. They also said some crap about how Christ was ridiculed while he was alive, but revered years later.

Now, I will avoid the obvious joke about how we could try crucifying Tom, bury him for three days and see if he comes back. I will even avoid asking if maybe Tom was getting tired of people making fun of him and started to ask too many questions, so they made something up that would keep him under control while also feeding his massive ego. Hell, I will even avoid mentioning that it would have been brilliant casting for Tom to play all of the Oompa Loompas in the Willie Wonka remake, and that they could have saved a fortune on special effects because he really is that short already, unlike the dwarf they used who had to be made to appear 2 feet tall.

No, instead I will point out 2 problems we are having.

First, we really are falling behind in the publicity generating department. I don’t see any of you out there telling some celebrity they are a messiah. Now, I know we don’t have any celebrity members yet, but can you think of a better way to recruit one? What egomaniac star wouldn’t like to add Messiah to their resume? Hell, they have this guy jumping on couches for the belief that billions of alien souls were nuked on our planet and are now attached to our bodies, causing all unhappiness. All you have to do is get someone to accept that a deity talks to me while I shit. Frankly that has got to be an easier sell.

The second thing is that we clearly have not developed a weird enough theology. Bathroom visitations, polygamy, wife swapping and flaming Jaegerbombs just can’t compete with aliens, H-bombs and a Midget Actor Messiah. I mean, the flying spaghetti monster is tame compared to what they have going on over in Clearwater. And those guys in Florida have billions of dollars and half of Hollywood kissing their ass. If we really want to get this cult going, I am going to have to get more creative.

I had kind of assumed there were enough alcoholics and stoners out there that the lure of alcohol sacraments and encouragement of pot use would get us of the ground. Clearly I was mistaken. Drunks and potheads don’t need us to do what they do. They will just run out and get stoned or drunk without any sort of divine guidance to do so. BUT I get the strange feeling that if we told them there were millions of invisible rodents in their colon, placed there by the evil people at Hanna/Barbera, and the only way they could get rid of them was to give me all their money while they got drunk and/or stoned, we’d be rolling in it.

So what I have planned is this. As soon as possible I am going to declare a high holy day. On this blessed occasion I will consume a shitload of Patron. I will then sit down and start writing revelations. I am thinking the divine insight I will get in this state of bliss will lead to changes that might just be strange enough to get us going. At very least, assuming my wife joins me, I can count on a fun night when the writing is done.

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FIRE!

There has been a revelation.

Our regular religious meetings have not had the excitement we had hoped for. I had assumed that Jaegerbombs and hot wings would be enough to keep things hopping. I mean, when I went to church we were lucky if we got a little cup of grape juice and a little cracker. But here I am offering you not only religious insight but also the chance for good food and getting drunk.

So there was this sudden insight. My wife and I were out on New Years and decided we wanted to liven up the night. We asked the waiter if they made any flaming drinks, and they set us up with a Flaming Dr. Pepper. Now, that was fun, but other than being on fire it was nothing special. We had another flaming shot, again no inspiration. Then the bartender created a new drink for us that was a liquid flaming mint chocolate cake. That got us to really enjoying the flaming drinks.

We were going out with friends and had told them the flaming drink story, and they wanted to try it to. So we decided we needed to find a drink that everyone would enjoy that also happened to be on fire. After an extensive search we were struck by a recipe neither of us had seen before: Flaming Jaegerbombs.

Basically, all you need to do is make a Jaegerbomb and then float some Bacardi 151 on top so you can light it on fire.

So, from now on, instead of just a Jaegerbomb, you will be serving Flaming Jaegerbombs at all services. I feel that most things are better if you can somehow add fire to them.

Be sure to sue this revelation to lure more recruits because I am really starting to wonder if this cult leader gig is really all it’s cracked up to be.

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700 Club? Ha!

There have been some major developments in The Cult, and you need to be made aware of them.

First, as your leader I have moved in to a new compound. I cannot disclose the location to any but the closest initiates for my own safety. Rival cult leaders may want to kill me out of jealousy. Most of them are kind of nuts. I can’t tell you how many I have seen that claim that they speak directly to God or aliens or something. How crazy is that? I mean, hell, they don’t even claim to get revelations while taking a dump. Who would believe that a higher being would ever talk to you outside a bathroom?

Of course, this move and the need for secrecy is a big reason why there has been little communication from your Prophet. There was also a minor schism in the cult caused by others claiming to be spoken to by TDTBNL. It turns out that my initial belief was correct. It was not actually TDTBNL speaking. Some people thought it was an alien. Others thought that maybe this person was hearing voices and was schizophrenic. Instead, it seems that the neighbors were hard of hearing and what this woman was hearing was the TV next door playing Oprah and Dr. Phil. I have known many people who confused Oprah for some sort of deity, so it’s an honest mistake. But, for future reference, no real deity allows people to jump on his or her couch. A real deity will strike them dead as soon as they even think about jumping on the furniture.

Now, I have been wondering how we could increase membership. At first I was thinking about going after other cult members. The problem is that as soon as we went after Scientologists, I suddenly found myself audited by the IRS. They also retaliated by releasing a third Mission Impossible movie and removing all programming from my television and replacing it with updates on Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and that ugly ass baby they had. I wasn’t real happy about that, so I decided to try something else.

Instead of going after fringe groups, which are small and tend to act really crazy when you go after them, we will go after the bigger religions. Not only are there more targets, but many of them don’t seem real sold on their existing God.

The main thing we want to do is point out how things are better between our cult and where they are now. For example, those people listening to Pat Robertson need to consider the fact that their guy only has a one-on-one with God one day a year. As you can imagine, that can be a problem. Imagine trying to get out a whole year’s worth of revelations in like 8 or 9 hours! It’s no wonder that heavy rains in Boston got confused in to a tsunami hitting Seattle. And I’d have to say that I take this whole “Terrorists are gonna kill us” thing with a huge grain of salt after that.

In contrast, I am available whenever I visit the toilet. TDTBNL gets to talk to me daily if he wants to, depending on what I’ve been eating, of course. That means I have a much better chance of getting the correct message because if I don’t, he can just correct me the next day. Also, I try not to make any wild predictions, so our cult is less likely to look really stupid when the media points out that something was totally off base. It has to be embarrassing when your leader gets laughed at on the radio during your morning commute. I can proudly state that no morning show has ever ridiculed me on the air.

So get out there and do some converting. These new house payments are a killer, so we need more donations.