Some people really make polygamy look bad

OK, I have condoned polygamy in the past. Yes, it was only for myself, but that is beside the fact.

But when I condoned it I was not talking about banging 13-year olds. That's just fucking sick people.

If you have your own cult, and want to marry a lot of women, go ahead. I don't care. But marry WOMEN. I mean over 18! Yes, I know the age of consent here in Texas is 17, but, still... 18 PEOPLE.

Oh, and if you have kids with all these wives, don't pretend you aren't married and send the chick off to the welfare office.

Some people just give cults a bad name!

OK...we have a problem

Well, it seems that Texas is increasing the tax on strip clubs, I mean girl's homes. So I need more contributions so I can go out and reach out to these poor souls.

Please contribute what you can so we can continue good works.

Regarding Divorce

I know that cult members who are also regular readers of Scared Bunny have noticed there is a problem with cult doctrine; specifically, the doctrine which forbids divorce in favor of annulment. It seems the State of Texas refuses to acknowledge our religious teachings and has decreed that I cannot annul my current marriage. I have fought them with all the cult’s financial resources, but those efforts have not achieved anything. Of course, as we have no financial resources because the members of my cult are not meeting their tithing requirement, the efforts consisted of me going out to my back yard and screaming that I wanted an exception made.

So, as we cannot change the law, TDTBNL has kindly granted me a revelation. As his representative on Earth I am now allowed to grant divorces as necessary.

To accomplish this, the cult members needing a divorce will need to comply with 2 key requirements:

1) The union cannot have produced a child

2) There can be no marital assets to divide amongst the divorcing parties

I am sure you see that it may be hard to have no marital assets to divide so, to ease this process, these assets will be donated to the cult to further our mission. In my case I have donated said assets and allocated same as led by TDTBNL. Of course there wasn’t much, so it wasn’t that big a deal. But had there not been a revelation this could have been a real mess.

I am not saying we encourage divorces. The cult still frowns on them. But we have to be practical, and TDTBNL knows that.

Space... the final frontier

TDTBNL has been trying to get me to wake up and smell the coffee.

It seems our belief system is missing something. Sure we have tequila, flaming Jaegerbombs and hot wings. Of course we have odd marriage rites. We condone the use of marijuana. We try to control all of your lives and even want most of your money. But despite that, we just aren’t attracting the number of members we have hoped for.

I look at Scientology and see that they are making millions off those poor saps, and the more ridiculous the belief they tell the member, the more devoted they become. They even have all these celebrities doing weird things like jumping on couches, making “battlefield Earth” and having Tom Cruise’s ugly ass baby.

Then you take the guys at Heaven’s Gate. Granted they aren’t doing much now, but they did have all the members living in a compound, working solely to support the group, being chemically castrated and committing mass suicide wearing matching shrouds and Nikes.

Then, it struck me what we are missing.

See, there is this astronaut chick who, for some reason, decided she was not only in love with another astronaut, but that a third astronaut was her rival for his affection. So she did the only thing that makes sense. She climbed in her car wearing a diaper and armed with a bb gun, pepper spray and a hammer, and drove 1,000 miles to kidnap and kill t he competition.

Now I am not saying the guy astronaut was some kind of cult leader, although he could be. But that kind of devotion has got to come from somewhere. Just imagine if I had 1,000 people willing to drive 1,000 in a diaper to kill someone with a bb gun. The plan itself may not make much sense, but the dedication it shows is amazing.

Anyway, what we are missing is some kind of relation to outer space. Scientology has the evil alien overlords. Heaven’s Gate had the UFO following the Hale-Bopp comet. These astronauts have all actually been to space. So we need some kind of tie-in to outer space.

I have been thinking long and hard about this, but clearly I have not had enough fiber in my diet because I haven’t had any ideas at all. I really want to avoid the whole alien thing because it’s too obvious a copy of Scientology. Plus it could lead to members that want to make really bad sci-fi movies, and that would be tragic.

I am thinking that maybe I will claim that TDTBNL lives on the sun. That is why we have to drink FLAMING Jaegerbombs, and why we eat HOT wings. And if you follow TDTBNL not only will you too eventually live on the sun, in the mean time you will have great weather and a kick ass tan. Plus, if people don’t start to believe TDTBNL will kill us all with global warming.

That may just work.

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Where's your Messiah now?

OK guys, we are going to have to kick things up a notch.

According to a British paper, some Scientology muckety-muck has told Tom Cruise he is the Messiah of Scientology. They spouted some bullshit about how Christ was criticized for his views, and so is Tom. They also said some crap about how Christ was ridiculed while he was alive, but revered years later.

Now, I will avoid the obvious joke about how we could try crucifying Tom, bury him for three days and see if he comes back. I will even avoid asking if maybe Tom was getting tired of people making fun of him and started to ask too many questions, so they made something up that would keep him under control while also feeding his massive ego. Hell, I will even avoid mentioning that it would have been brilliant casting for Tom to play all of the Oompa Loompas in the Willie Wonka remake, and that they could have saved a fortune on special effects because he really is that short already, unlike the dwarf they used who had to be made to appear 2 feet tall.

No, instead I will point out 2 problems we are having.

First, we really are falling behind in the publicity generating department. I don’t see any of you out there telling some celebrity they are a messiah. Now, I know we don’t have any celebrity members yet, but can you think of a better way to recruit one? What egomaniac star wouldn’t like to add Messiah to their resume? Hell, they have this guy jumping on couches for the belief that billions of alien souls were nuked on our planet and are now attached to our bodies, causing all unhappiness. All you have to do is get someone to accept that a deity talks to me while I shit. Frankly that has got to be an easier sell.

The second thing is that we clearly have not developed a weird enough theology. Bathroom visitations, polygamy, wife swapping and flaming Jaegerbombs just can’t compete with aliens, H-bombs and a Midget Actor Messiah. I mean, the flying spaghetti monster is tame compared to what they have going on over in Clearwater. And those guys in Florida have billions of dollars and half of Hollywood kissing their ass. If we really want to get this cult going, I am going to have to get more creative.

I had kind of assumed there were enough alcoholics and stoners out there that the lure of alcohol sacraments and encouragement of pot use would get us of the ground. Clearly I was mistaken. Drunks and potheads don’t need us to do what they do. They will just run out and get stoned or drunk without any sort of divine guidance to do so. BUT I get the strange feeling that if we told them there were millions of invisible rodents in their colon, placed there by the evil people at Hanna/Barbera, and the only way they could get rid of them was to give me all their money while they got drunk and/or stoned, we’d be rolling in it.

So what I have planned is this. As soon as possible I am going to declare a high holy day. On this blessed occasion I will consume a shitload of Patron. I will then sit down and start writing revelations. I am thinking the divine insight I will get in this state of bliss will lead to changes that might just be strange enough to get us going. At very least, assuming my wife joins me, I can count on a fun night when the writing is done.

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FIRE!

There has been a revelation.

Our regular religious meetings have not had the excitement we had hoped for. I had assumed that Jaegerbombs and hot wings would be enough to keep things hopping. I mean, when I went to church we were lucky if we got a little cup of grape juice and a little cracker. But here I am offering you not only religious insight but also the chance for good food and getting drunk.

So there was this sudden insight. My wife and I were out on New Years and decided we wanted to liven up the night. We asked the waiter if they made any flaming drinks, and they set us up with a Flaming Dr. Pepper. Now, that was fun, but other than being on fire it was nothing special. We had another flaming shot, again no inspiration. Then the bartender created a new drink for us that was a liquid flaming mint chocolate cake. That got us to really enjoying the flaming drinks.

We were going out with friends and had told them the flaming drink story, and they wanted to try it to. So we decided we needed to find a drink that everyone would enjoy that also happened to be on fire. After an extensive search we were struck by a recipe neither of us had seen before: Flaming Jaegerbombs.

Basically, all you need to do is make a Jaegerbomb and then float some Bacardi 151 on top so you can light it on fire.

So, from now on, instead of just a Jaegerbomb, you will be serving Flaming Jaegerbombs at all services. I feel that most things are better if you can somehow add fire to them.

Be sure to sue this revelation to lure more recruits because I am really starting to wonder if this cult leader gig is really all it’s cracked up to be.

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700 Club? Ha!

There have been some major developments in The Cult, and you need to be made aware of them.

First, as your leader I have moved in to a new compound. I cannot disclose the location to any but the closest initiates for my own safety. Rival cult leaders may want to kill me out of jealousy. Most of them are kind of nuts. I can’t tell you how many I have seen that claim that they speak directly to God or aliens or something. How crazy is that? I mean, hell, they don’t even claim to get revelations while taking a dump. Who would believe that a higher being would ever talk to you outside a bathroom?

Of course, this move and the need for secrecy is a big reason why there has been little communication from your Prophet. There was also a minor schism in the cult caused by others claiming to be spoken to by TDTBNL. It turns out that my initial belief was correct. It was not actually TDTBNL speaking. Some people thought it was an alien. Others thought that maybe this person was hearing voices and was schizophrenic. Instead, it seems that the neighbors were hard of hearing and what this woman was hearing was the TV next door playing Oprah and Dr. Phil. I have known many people who confused Oprah for some sort of deity, so it’s an honest mistake. But, for future reference, no real deity allows people to jump on his or her couch. A real deity will strike them dead as soon as they even think about jumping on the furniture.

Now, I have been wondering how we could increase membership. At first I was thinking about going after other cult members. The problem is that as soon as we went after Scientologists, I suddenly found myself audited by the IRS. They also retaliated by releasing a third Mission Impossible movie and removing all programming from my television and replacing it with updates on Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and that ugly ass baby they had. I wasn’t real happy about that, so I decided to try something else.

Instead of going after fringe groups, which are small and tend to act really crazy when you go after them, we will go after the bigger religions. Not only are there more targets, but many of them don’t seem real sold on their existing God.

The main thing we want to do is point out how things are better between our cult and where they are now. For example, those people listening to Pat Robertson need to consider the fact that their guy only has a one-on-one with God one day a year. As you can imagine, that can be a problem. Imagine trying to get out a whole year’s worth of revelations in like 8 or 9 hours! It’s no wonder that heavy rains in Boston got confused in to a tsunami hitting Seattle. And I’d have to say that I take this whole “Terrorists are gonna kill us” thing with a huge grain of salt after that.

In contrast, I am available whenever I visit the toilet. TDTBNL gets to talk to me daily if he wants to, depending on what I’ve been eating, of course. That means I have a much better chance of getting the correct message because if I don’t, he can just correct me the next day. Also, I try not to make any wild predictions, so our cult is less likely to look really stupid when the media points out that something was totally off base. It has to be embarrassing when your leader gets laughed at on the radio during your morning commute. I can proudly state that no morning show has ever ridiculed me on the air.

So get out there and do some converting. These new house payments are a killer, so we need more donations.

I'm regular again

OK, I haven’t had many revelations lately. Actually, I went a long time without any. First I was constipated, then I had diarrhea. Basically, I was either not shitting or they were so short TDTBNL and I didn’t have time to talk. Plus I got a subscription to GQ so sometimes I was reading and may not have noticed TDTBNL trying to get my attention. But I think it is important for a prophet to know how to fold a pocket square and whether or not he has the build for a 3-button suit.

Anyway, since then we have been talking a lot.

It all started when I found the woman who will be my first bride as a cult leader. I met her and was kind of afraid to get serious because she is 28 and according to the laws TDTBNL set down, she is supposed to be 25. But then he told me that she only had to LOOK ½ my age plus 7 years, and she does, so we’re good. If he had been more clear about that earlier we might not have had the confusion.

But that means the whole marriage thing has to be reworked, because you don’t actually have to remarry every 2 years. You only have to remarry when your wife doesn’t look ½ your age plus seven years. Unfortunately now he’s got us with this whole subjective age thing going, which is a real pain in the ass. The solution is obvious though. My new bride will now head our Women’s Support Ministry. One of their main duties will be to guess how old each other look and then, based on that, I’ll be decreeing who has to annul their marriage. Their evaluations will also be used to determine if a marriage can proceed or not.

Unfortunately this is an added expense for the cult. The ladies like to have lots of holy sacrament during their meetings, and those Jaegerbombs get expensive. Plus I need a bigger compound because when the ladies have been sacramenting some of them tend to be overcome with the spirit and pass out. As a result, we will be increasing the mandatory tithe to 65%. Please advise your HR departments so they can correct your automatic withdrawal.

Also, I need you to be aware of a possible false prophet. In this specific instance it is my soon to be wife. She seems to think TDTBNL is speaking to her when she bathes. I explained that he wouldn’t do that and only talks when someone is shitting. And since she never shits he obviously can’t ever talk to her. But she insists it’s the real TDTBNL.

So if you start hearing that TDTBNL is actually a woman, and that I’m not supposed to have multiple wives, just assume that a demon of some sort is at work and you should try to exorcise this demon by singing The Banana Boat Song and splashing the heretic with Arctic Blue Gatorade. I think that will take care of the problem.

Discuss either my bathroom habits or the revelations here.

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Your mission, should you decide to accept it

I had a revelation.

As you know, part of the cult plan is to attract celebrities. We want to use them to get their dumbass fans to join and give us their money and control of their lives. Of course we also plan on actually getting a shitload of money from the stars. That’s a place where the Scientologists are really blowing it. I mean, look at Vegas. Sure they give the whales free rooms, but that’s because they blow a shitload of money on the casino floor if they let them play long enough. But L. Ron’s boys are giving them the free room and not getting them to even set foot on the casino floor.

But that’s not what the revelation was about. Instead, it has to do with our celebrity members. Of course, just like those other cults, we’re going to need to have handlers for our new friends. But, unlike those other cults, our handlers are going to keep these people from acting like total fucking idiots.

Those of you, who were hoping to be handlers, I believe in an effort to fuck the stars, are going to have to understand something. We are not going to have any fucking couch jumping. If that happens you will so lose your spot. Not only that, when I am assigning next spouses after the 2 years are up, I am really going to assign you the nastiest person I can find. I mean this.

Our celebrities will not be harassing beloved women who have children and admit to having post-partum depression. We will not have them knocking up young starlets that we associate with roles where they played high school students. We won’t have them repeatedly “audition” women for the role of wife and mother of their children.

So why are we doing this? Mission Impossible: 3. Look at this shit. The fucking move made a lot of money, but it is not at all going to make a big profit. Since our stars make money based on how much the movies make, and we make money based on what the stars make. And when you act like a duchebag long enough it affects your movies take.

Don’t get me wrong. I like that some other cult loses a huge moneymaking opportunity. I also like it when they lose potential converts because they see how the members are fucking morons. But I also know better than to let this shit affect my cult, which means affecting my income.

So pay attention and don’t fuck up or I will so kick your ass.

Make your pitch to be a star minder in the forums.

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Fuck Madam Cleo

I have an idea.

Lately my answer whenever anyone has a problem is “That’s because God hates you.” It really is a pretty good answer because 1) people often find it funny and 2) based on everything happening in the world there is a good chance it is true.

So I started thinking: “How can I use this witty response to my, I mean TDTBNL’s, benefit?”

That’s when it hit me. The cult needs to start one of those phone answer lines. Basically it’s like a psychic hotline, but for advice. Now, I am willing to anoint all of our operators as “reverends”. Of course that title doesn’t mean a damn think to our cult. Really, no good cult anoints “reverends”. I mean, shit, Jim Jones was named “reverend” by a church before he really made his own cult. Cults all have things like “high priest” and shit like that.

Anyway, what will happen is that when someone calls in, at the reasonable rate of $2.95/minute our staff will listen to your problem. They will patiently hear all you have to say, and will ask several questions just to make sure they understand your problem. They will also make sure they have useful information like your age, shoe size and favorite color. Then, in response to your dilemma, they will inform you that the problem is that God hates you.

Now, that isn’t the end game here. Sure we have the $2.95 a minute for the call. That’s a nice contribution to the cult’s coffers. But we will tie in a new marketing campaign: “God may hate you, but TBTNL loves you.” First we mess with your faith, and then we offer you an alternative. Yeah, there are string attached, like all the money we want, the marriage rules and all the control over your life we intend to exert, but I think that is a small price to pay.

Now, I know some people are a little concerned about this being a gross heresy. And I can’t deny that it really is. But is it really any worse than worshipping a deity that has thus far refused to even give us a name to call him, or her. Heck, we don’t even know its fucking gender. I suppose I’d better figure that one out.

Apply to be a "reverend" in the forums.



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