It's a miracle!

As you know, I receive many of my revelations while I hit. I am not sure why that is. May be I am more reflective. Maybe the spirits feel that I am less distracted. Maybe as I strain there is less blood flow to my brain and I have mini-strokes or something (I’m not a doctor). Whatever it is, it seems to be the best time to get spiritual.

But I have never had a message from TDTBNL ever be as clear as today’s revelation. Never has he (or she…it’s really a rather non-descript deity) sent what was so obviously a sign. It was my “burning bush” moment, except there was no fire, no bush, no booming voice and no stone tablets came flying at me. But TDTBNL had a message, and he, or she, wanted to make it clear.

TDTBNL wants us to emphasize marijuana more in our ministry. As you know, marijuana is key to obtaining a state of higher consciousness. It also promotes peace, which we are in favor of. Of course it tends to cause the munchies, which can lead to weight issues, which we don’t want, but I think the aggressive sex will burn lots of calories. It doesn’t hurt that the fact it is part of the religion makes it legal and that legality even trumps the whole medical marijuana thing.

I am encouraging all of our followers to make sure their friends are aware of the important role that pot plays in the cult. I am not asking you do the same for the Patron, Jaegerbombs and buffalo wings things, because while we don’t mind stoners, we really don’t want alcoholics and binge eaters, unless they are insanely rich, or they immediately purge after, like a model or something. I am even considering creating a certificate you can show to cops to prove you have joined the cult. How can they arrest you if you are exercising your freedom of religion?

Now, you are probably asking, how can I be so sure of the sign? Here’s the thing…it was wicked. I was in there taking a dump, and I suddenly noticed a strange odor. It was familiar, but I couldn’t believe it. Soon it was clear, the smell was of pot, and the source was my shit. Yes, TDTBNL had turned my shit in to weed. I am not sure what kind of weed it was because even if it’s miracle weed, I am not going to fish out anything that came out of my ass, so it just got flushed. I am just happy that I witnessed the miracle.

So spread the word. TDTBNL wants us all to get stoned.

First mission

I have a mission for you.

I want us to recruit Ashton Kucher as out first high profile celebrity. For this reason I need our best members to start working on he and Demi. I suggest that you convince him that the cult is cooler than Kaballah, and that we won’t require him to wear a piece of red yarn around his wrist that has to be airbrushed out of every frame of every film he is in. Further, we need to express to him that his embracing of Kaballah really makes him seem like more of a follower than a trendsetter, and a star of his, um, magnitude should be seen as cutting edge. To get Demi explain to her that we remarry every 2 years and imply that she can keep getting younger husbands. Of course our beliefs forbid this, but that is an upper level teaching she is not yet ready to receive.

I believe these 2 will be easy to target. First, Ashton is clearly an idiot. Nobody could play an idiot as well as he does consistently unless he really is an idiot. I believe it is entirely possible that he has someone that transcribes scripts phonetically for him so he can understand them. Perhaps teaching him to read would be a good strategy. Plus, we could use the fact that he can’t read to blackmail him in to generous donations and to remain in the cult, the same way the Scientologists keep John Travolta from quitting by threatening to release the tapes of his auditing sessions where he talks about being gay.

If necessary you have permission to break up their marriage. This can either be done by getting Demi back with Bruce or by getting Demi to cheat. We need to make Ashton feel like a victim if you decide to use this tactic, so no fucking Ashton just yet. The strategy would be to get her to betray him and then our members go in and show him that we have a solution to his problems that only requires 50% of his income and blind devotion to everything I say. I am betting the tequila and ganja rituals will not only be very helpful for Ashton, I think he probably is very familiar with both. In fact, I think he may be a practicing member and just doesn’t know it yet. Maybe he needs to make retroactive contributions.

The reason we need Ashton is that our production arm needs to start working on its first feature film. This was previously discussed on Scared Bunny. Basically it will be a modern take on the movie It’s a Wonderful Life. Ashton will be the lead. I really think he is the only man for the role. I believe that this movie will provide us an insane amount of money for our ministry. It will also be a great piece of art that I believe most of the world will embrace.

My Perrogative

OK, we really appreciate all of your hard work out there recruiting. OK, maybe appreciate wasn’t the right word. We are really pissed at you.

First, most of you are very tardy in your donation. It is looking like we will have to require your paycheck be deposited directly to the church and we will forward the balance left after the contribution to you. Don’t worry about it though, because it will only take us from 10-15 business days for the processing. We also pledge to keep the processing charges to a minimum of 10% of your gross salary.

The other problem is that some of you have been recruiting celebrities without clearing them with me. Now, while I want you to find us targets converts, what happened last week is inexcusable. It really doesn’t help us if you go after people that are only going to lead to us being ridiculed. We need to seem cool, like Kaballah, Communism or the Manson Family.

I am sure you know I am referring to the member that recruited Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston. First, let me explain the requirements for celebrity members. They need to bring us either a strong following that we can recruit, or they need to be insanely rich so we can use their resources to build the Home for Wayward Girls in rural Nevada and the outreach center in Vancouver. The only other option is that they are incredibly hot so that we can promise them to a wealthy member as a spouse.

Now, let’s just review Bobby and Whitney. First, they are not hot. Maybe they were 20 years ago, but years of coke abuse have really taken their toll. Plus Whitney seems to be channeling Katherine Hepburn’s ghost, which is not only not sexy it is extremely creepy. They also do not have any sort of following at all. In general, anyone that has their own reality show is not eligible. The exception to this rule will be Jessica Simpson.

The only remaining issue would be their wealth. Well, dumbass, they don’t have any! Why do you think they did the fucking TV show? They are desperate. First they were snorting their money up their nose, then they joined The African Hebrew Israelites of Jerusalem, also known as the Black Hebrews. That fucker already got to their money. There’s not much left for us!

Why do you think they were so easy to convert? First, they have nothing to lose. It’s not like their reputation or fortune is at stake. They already joined a group that teaches that you become a genetic descendant of the lost tribes of Israel as soon as you join. I am pretty sure that genetics don’t work like that. I am also pretty sure that the Lost Tribes were not exclusively made up of Africans. Maybe because we know they were Semitic. The damn cult operates out of a chain of vegetarian restaurants for Christ’s sake! What the fuck kind of cult runs out of vegetarian restaurants?

Maybe you got confused because they also practice polygamy, but remember we only allow that for the cult leader. We are not all marrying in to one massive group marriage thing. That would be a huge mess and a lot of bullshit.

Just think for a minute people. If a celebrity is that easy to convert, there is probably a reason!