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It is what the title says. This is a cult. We want your money. We also
want to control most aspects of your life. We really aren't asking that much.
LAST UPDATED 5/25/2009!

What we believe:

(This is not the most recent post. It just stays up here for easy reference.)

  • Our leader, R. U. Serious, receives messages from (deity to be named later) and is the only living prophet
  • While a prophet, R. U. Serious is also a man, and therefore fallible. As such, while his messages from (deity to be named later) are all infallible, not everything he says is infallible. At times he may or may not make pronouncements that are fallible, and that’s OK
  • As a show of devotion to (deity to be named later) all members agree to have 65% of their pre-tax income directly contributed to the cult
  • The perfect bride must look 1/2 the groom's age plus 7 years
  • Due to the age disparity, it is important that all men remarry when the ladies of the cult Women's Outreach Ministry determine their wife looks too old
  • All male members will have marriages annulled per WOM rulings, and the wife will then be free to remarry.
  • The leader of the cult is free to marry multiple wives per the previously pronounced schedule
  • Gay marriage is allowed, but neither of the parties will be referred to as a bride. Instead, all same sex marriage participants, regardless of gender or sexual activities, will be referred to as a Ted
  • Marijuana consumption is deemed valuable to spiritual insight, and it’s use is allowed provided it is not used more often than every day
  • Every religious service will include the sacrament of hot wings and FLAMING Jaegerbombs
  • On high holy days the Jaegerbombs will be replaced with Patron
  • Thou shalt not defile thine Patron with the use of salt or citrus
  • Thou shalt not diddle thy neighbor’s wife, husband or Ted
  • Thou shalt not divorce without the blessing of The Prophet R. U. Serious, but thou shall annul
  • All members shall provide satisfactory proof they are on birth control as no new children shall be born in to the cult

    •


    Saturday, June 21, 2008

    Let me explain something

    There are 2 reasons we don't allow reproduction in the cult, or new members with kids.

    First, since you remarry every other year the changing of step-parents every 2 years can't be good for the kids. Second, since I (and only I) am once again allowed to be a polygamist I don't want anything that looks like that whole FLDS mess where people think we're breeding so dirty old men can have sex with children. I may be dirty, and I am getting old, but banging minors is just wrong, even in a cult.

    But, you say, you have a kid! Keep in mind, I don't trade wives; I add them. So my son just ends up with extra step-moms, and not a step-mom rotating door. Second, I want the chain of succession to be really clear so, if I die, and anyone claims I named them my successor, you'll know they are full of shit.

    Labels: , ,


    posted by R. U. Serious | 1:31 PM | 0 comments