Space... the final frontier
TDTBNL has been trying to get me to wake up and smell the coffee.
It seems our belief system is missing something. Sure we have tequila, flaming Jaegerbombs and hot wings. Of course we have odd marriage rites. We condone the use of marijuana. We try to control all of your lives and even want most of your money. But despite that, we just aren’t attracting the number of members we have hoped for.
I look at Scientology and see that they are making millions off those poor saps, and the more ridiculous the belief they tell the member, the more devoted they become. They even have all these celebrities doing weird things like jumping on couches, making “battlefield Earth” and having Tom Cruise’s ugly ass baby.
Then you take the guys at Heaven’s Gate. Granted they aren’t doing much now, but they did have all the members living in a compound, working solely to support the group, being chemically castrated and committing mass suicide wearing matching shrouds and Nikes.
Then, it struck me what we are missing.
See, there is this astronaut chick who, for some reason, decided she was not only in love with another astronaut, but that a third astronaut was her rival for his affection. So she did the only thing that makes sense. She climbed in her car wearing a diaper and armed with a bb gun, pepper spray and a hammer, and drove 1,000 miles to kidnap and kill t he competition.
Now I am not saying the guy astronaut was some kind of cult leader, although he could be. But that kind of devotion has got to come from somewhere. Just imagine if I had 1,000 people willing to drive 1,000 in a diaper to kill someone with a bb gun. The plan itself may not make much sense, but the dedication it shows is amazing.
Anyway, what we are missing is some kind of relation to outer space. Scientology has the evil alien overlords. Heaven’s Gate had the UFO following the Hale-Bopp comet. These astronauts have all actually been to space. So we need some kind of tie-in to outer space.
I have been thinking long and hard about this, but clearly I have not had enough fiber in my diet because I haven’t had any ideas at all. I really want to avoid the whole alien thing because it’s too obvious a copy of Scientology. Plus it could lead to members that want to make really bad sci-fi movies, and that would be tragic.
I am thinking that maybe I will claim that TDTBNL lives on the sun. That is why we have to drink FLAMING Jaegerbombs, and why we eat HOT wings. And if you follow TDTBNL not only will you too eventually live on the sun, in the mean time you will have great weather and a kick ass tan. Plus, if people don’t start to believe TDTBNL will kill us all with global warming.
That may just work.
It seems our belief system is missing something. Sure we have tequila, flaming Jaegerbombs and hot wings. Of course we have odd marriage rites. We condone the use of marijuana. We try to control all of your lives and even want most of your money. But despite that, we just aren’t attracting the number of members we have hoped for.
I look at Scientology and see that they are making millions off those poor saps, and the more ridiculous the belief they tell the member, the more devoted they become. They even have all these celebrities doing weird things like jumping on couches, making “battlefield Earth” and having Tom Cruise’s ugly ass baby.
Then you take the guys at Heaven’s Gate. Granted they aren’t doing much now, but they did have all the members living in a compound, working solely to support the group, being chemically castrated and committing mass suicide wearing matching shrouds and Nikes.
Then, it struck me what we are missing.
See, there is this astronaut chick who, for some reason, decided she was not only in love with another astronaut, but that a third astronaut was her rival for his affection. So she did the only thing that makes sense. She climbed in her car wearing a diaper and armed with a bb gun, pepper spray and a hammer, and drove 1,000 miles to kidnap and kill t he competition.
Now I am not saying the guy astronaut was some kind of cult leader, although he could be. But that kind of devotion has got to come from somewhere. Just imagine if I had 1,000 people willing to drive 1,000 in a diaper to kill someone with a bb gun. The plan itself may not make much sense, but the dedication it shows is amazing.
Anyway, what we are missing is some kind of relation to outer space. Scientology has the evil alien overlords. Heaven’s Gate had the UFO following the Hale-Bopp comet. These astronauts have all actually been to space. So we need some kind of tie-in to outer space.
I have been thinking long and hard about this, but clearly I have not had enough fiber in my diet because I haven’t had any ideas at all. I really want to avoid the whole alien thing because it’s too obvious a copy of Scientology. Plus it could lead to members that want to make really bad sci-fi movies, and that would be tragic.
I am thinking that maybe I will claim that TDTBNL lives on the sun. That is why we have to drink FLAMING Jaegerbombs, and why we eat HOT wings. And if you follow TDTBNL not only will you too eventually live on the sun, in the mean time you will have great weather and a kick ass tan. Plus, if people don’t start to believe TDTBNL will kill us all with global warming.
That may just work.
posted by R. U. Serious | 11:17 AM
1 Comments:
I just invited Nathan Fillion to join our cult. Nathan is a celebrity and is a friend of mine. Okay, he's a MySpace friend, but same difference. Anyway, he starred as the Captain of the spaceship Serenity in the Firefly series, so he has the whole space tie-in thing we are looking for, which makes him the perfect celebrity recruit. If he joins, as a reward for recruiting him, I think I should be allowed to marry him, despite the fact that I am not half his age plus 7 years. Sound fair?
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