Where's your Messiah now?
OK guys, we are going to have to kick things up a notch.
According to a British paper, some Scientology muckety-muck has told Tom Cruise he is the Messiah of Scientology. They spouted some bullshit about how Christ was criticized for his views, and so is Tom. They also said some crap about how Christ was ridiculed while he was alive, but revered years later.
Now, I will avoid the obvious joke about how we could try crucifying Tom, bury him for three days and see if he comes back. I will even avoid asking if maybe Tom was getting tired of people making fun of him and started to ask too many questions, so they made something up that would keep him under control while also feeding his massive ego. Hell, I will even avoid mentioning that it would have been brilliant casting for Tom to play all of the Oompa Loompas in the Willie Wonka remake, and that they could have saved a fortune on special effects because he really is that short already, unlike the dwarf they used who had to be made to appear 2 feet tall.
No, instead I will point out 2 problems we are having.
First, we really are falling behind in the publicity generating department. I don’t see any of you out there telling some celebrity they are a messiah. Now, I know we don’t have any celebrity members yet, but can you think of a better way to recruit one? What egomaniac star wouldn’t like to add Messiah to their resume? Hell, they have this guy jumping on couches for the belief that billions of alien souls were nuked on our planet and are now attached to our bodies, causing all unhappiness. All you have to do is get someone to accept that a deity talks to me while I shit. Frankly that has got to be an easier sell.
The second thing is that we clearly have not developed a weird enough theology. Bathroom visitations, polygamy, wife swapping and flaming Jaegerbombs just can’t compete with aliens, H-bombs and a Midget Actor Messiah. I mean, the flying spaghetti monster is tame compared to what they have going on over in Clearwater. And those guys in Florida have billions of dollars and half of Hollywood kissing their ass. If we really want to get this cult going, I am going to have to get more creative.
I had kind of assumed there were enough alcoholics and stoners out there that the lure of alcohol sacraments and encouragement of pot use would get us of the ground. Clearly I was mistaken. Drunks and potheads don’t need us to do what they do. They will just run out and get stoned or drunk without any sort of divine guidance to do so. BUT I get the strange feeling that if we told them there were millions of invisible rodents in their colon, placed there by the evil people at Hanna/Barbera, and the only way they could get rid of them was to give me all their money while they got drunk and/or stoned, we’d be rolling in it.
So what I have planned is this. As soon as possible I am going to declare a high holy day. On this blessed occasion I will consume a shitload of Patron. I will then sit down and start writing revelations. I am thinking the divine insight I will get in this state of bliss will lead to changes that might just be strange enough to get us going. At very least, assuming my wife joins me, I can count on a fun night when the writing is done.
According to a British paper, some Scientology muckety-muck has told Tom Cruise he is the Messiah of Scientology. They spouted some bullshit about how Christ was criticized for his views, and so is Tom. They also said some crap about how Christ was ridiculed while he was alive, but revered years later.
Now, I will avoid the obvious joke about how we could try crucifying Tom, bury him for three days and see if he comes back. I will even avoid asking if maybe Tom was getting tired of people making fun of him and started to ask too many questions, so they made something up that would keep him under control while also feeding his massive ego. Hell, I will even avoid mentioning that it would have been brilliant casting for Tom to play all of the Oompa Loompas in the Willie Wonka remake, and that they could have saved a fortune on special effects because he really is that short already, unlike the dwarf they used who had to be made to appear 2 feet tall.
No, instead I will point out 2 problems we are having.
First, we really are falling behind in the publicity generating department. I don’t see any of you out there telling some celebrity they are a messiah. Now, I know we don’t have any celebrity members yet, but can you think of a better way to recruit one? What egomaniac star wouldn’t like to add Messiah to their resume? Hell, they have this guy jumping on couches for the belief that billions of alien souls were nuked on our planet and are now attached to our bodies, causing all unhappiness. All you have to do is get someone to accept that a deity talks to me while I shit. Frankly that has got to be an easier sell.
The second thing is that we clearly have not developed a weird enough theology. Bathroom visitations, polygamy, wife swapping and flaming Jaegerbombs just can’t compete with aliens, H-bombs and a Midget Actor Messiah. I mean, the flying spaghetti monster is tame compared to what they have going on over in Clearwater. And those guys in Florida have billions of dollars and half of Hollywood kissing their ass. If we really want to get this cult going, I am going to have to get more creative.
I had kind of assumed there were enough alcoholics and stoners out there that the lure of alcohol sacraments and encouragement of pot use would get us of the ground. Clearly I was mistaken. Drunks and potheads don’t need us to do what they do. They will just run out and get stoned or drunk without any sort of divine guidance to do so. BUT I get the strange feeling that if we told them there were millions of invisible rodents in their colon, placed there by the evil people at Hanna/Barbera, and the only way they could get rid of them was to give me all their money while they got drunk and/or stoned, we’d be rolling in it.
So what I have planned is this. As soon as possible I am going to declare a high holy day. On this blessed occasion I will consume a shitload of Patron. I will then sit down and start writing revelations. I am thinking the divine insight I will get in this state of bliss will lead to changes that might just be strange enough to get us going. At very least, assuming my wife joins me, I can count on a fun night when the writing is done.
posted by R. U. Serious | 2:55 PM
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