700 Club? Ha!

There have been some major developments in The Cult, and you need to be made aware of them.

First, as your leader I have moved in to a new compound. I cannot disclose the location to any but the closest initiates for my own safety. Rival cult leaders may want to kill me out of jealousy. Most of them are kind of nuts. I can’t tell you how many I have seen that claim that they speak directly to God or aliens or something. How crazy is that? I mean, hell, they don’t even claim to get revelations while taking a dump. Who would believe that a higher being would ever talk to you outside a bathroom?

Of course, this move and the need for secrecy is a big reason why there has been little communication from your Prophet. There was also a minor schism in the cult caused by others claiming to be spoken to by TDTBNL. It turns out that my initial belief was correct. It was not actually TDTBNL speaking. Some people thought it was an alien. Others thought that maybe this person was hearing voices and was schizophrenic. Instead, it seems that the neighbors were hard of hearing and what this woman was hearing was the TV next door playing Oprah and Dr. Phil. I have known many people who confused Oprah for some sort of deity, so it’s an honest mistake. But, for future reference, no real deity allows people to jump on his or her couch. A real deity will strike them dead as soon as they even think about jumping on the furniture.

Now, I have been wondering how we could increase membership. At first I was thinking about going after other cult members. The problem is that as soon as we went after Scientologists, I suddenly found myself audited by the IRS. They also retaliated by releasing a third Mission Impossible movie and removing all programming from my television and replacing it with updates on Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and that ugly ass baby they had. I wasn’t real happy about that, so I decided to try something else.

Instead of going after fringe groups, which are small and tend to act really crazy when you go after them, we will go after the bigger religions. Not only are there more targets, but many of them don’t seem real sold on their existing God.

The main thing we want to do is point out how things are better between our cult and where they are now. For example, those people listening to Pat Robertson need to consider the fact that their guy only has a one-on-one with God one day a year. As you can imagine, that can be a problem. Imagine trying to get out a whole year’s worth of revelations in like 8 or 9 hours! It’s no wonder that heavy rains in Boston got confused in to a tsunami hitting Seattle. And I’d have to say that I take this whole “Terrorists are gonna kill us” thing with a huge grain of salt after that.

In contrast, I am available whenever I visit the toilet. TDTBNL gets to talk to me daily if he wants to, depending on what I’ve been eating, of course. That means I have a much better chance of getting the correct message because if I don’t, he can just correct me the next day. Also, I try not to make any wild predictions, so our cult is less likely to look really stupid when the media points out that something was totally off base. It has to be embarrassing when your leader gets laughed at on the radio during your morning commute. I can proudly state that no morning show has ever ridiculed me on the air.

So get out there and do some converting. These new house payments are a killer, so we need more donations.