I'm regular again
OK, I haven’t had many revelations lately. Actually, I went a long time without any. First I was constipated, then I had diarrhea. Basically, I was either not shitting or they were so short TDTBNL and I didn’t have time to talk. Plus I got a subscription to GQ so sometimes I was reading and may not have noticed TDTBNL trying to get my attention. But I think it is important for a prophet to know how to fold a pocket square and whether or not he has the build for a 3-button suit.
Anyway, since then we have been talking a lot.
It all started when I found the woman who will be my first bride as a cult leader. I met her and was kind of afraid to get serious because she is 28 and according to the laws TDTBNL set down, she is supposed to be 25. But then he told me that she only had to LOOK ½ my age plus 7 years, and she does, so we’re good. If he had been more clear about that earlier we might not have had the confusion.
But that means the whole marriage thing has to be reworked, because you don’t actually have to remarry every 2 years. You only have to remarry when your wife doesn’t look ½ your age plus seven years. Unfortunately now he’s got us with this whole subjective age thing going, which is a real pain in the ass. The solution is obvious though. My new bride will now head our Women’s Support Ministry. One of their main duties will be to guess how old each other look and then, based on that, I’ll be decreeing who has to annul their marriage. Their evaluations will also be used to determine if a marriage can proceed or not.
Unfortunately this is an added expense for the cult. The ladies like to have lots of holy sacrament during their meetings, and those Jaegerbombs get expensive. Plus I need a bigger compound because when the ladies have been sacramenting some of them tend to be overcome with the spirit and pass out. As a result, we will be increasing the mandatory tithe to 65%. Please advise your HR departments so they can correct your automatic withdrawal.
Also, I need you to be aware of a possible false prophet. In this specific instance it is my soon to be wife. She seems to think TDTBNL is speaking to her when she bathes. I explained that he wouldn’t do that and only talks when someone is shitting. And since she never shits he obviously can’t ever talk to her. But she insists it’s the real TDTBNL.
So if you start hearing that TDTBNL is actually a woman, and that I’m not supposed to have multiple wives, just assume that a demon of some sort is at work and you should try to exorcise this demon by singing The Banana Boat Song and splashing the heretic with Arctic Blue Gatorade. I think that will take care of the problem.
Discuss either my bathroom habits or the revelations here.
Anyway, since then we have been talking a lot.
It all started when I found the woman who will be my first bride as a cult leader. I met her and was kind of afraid to get serious because she is 28 and according to the laws TDTBNL set down, she is supposed to be 25. But then he told me that she only had to LOOK ½ my age plus 7 years, and she does, so we’re good. If he had been more clear about that earlier we might not have had the confusion.
But that means the whole marriage thing has to be reworked, because you don’t actually have to remarry every 2 years. You only have to remarry when your wife doesn’t look ½ your age plus seven years. Unfortunately now he’s got us with this whole subjective age thing going, which is a real pain in the ass. The solution is obvious though. My new bride will now head our Women’s Support Ministry. One of their main duties will be to guess how old each other look and then, based on that, I’ll be decreeing who has to annul their marriage. Their evaluations will also be used to determine if a marriage can proceed or not.
Unfortunately this is an added expense for the cult. The ladies like to have lots of holy sacrament during their meetings, and those Jaegerbombs get expensive. Plus I need a bigger compound because when the ladies have been sacramenting some of them tend to be overcome with the spirit and pass out. As a result, we will be increasing the mandatory tithe to 65%. Please advise your HR departments so they can correct your automatic withdrawal.
Also, I need you to be aware of a possible false prophet. In this specific instance it is my soon to be wife. She seems to think TDTBNL is speaking to her when she bathes. I explained that he wouldn’t do that and only talks when someone is shitting. And since she never shits he obviously can’t ever talk to her. But she insists it’s the real TDTBNL.
So if you start hearing that TDTBNL is actually a woman, and that I’m not supposed to have multiple wives, just assume that a demon of some sort is at work and you should try to exorcise this demon by singing The Banana Boat Song and splashing the heretic with Arctic Blue Gatorade. I think that will take care of the problem.
Discuss either my bathroom habits or the revelations here.
posted by R. U. Serious | 5:37 PM
