Fuck Madam Cleo
I have an idea.
Lately my answer whenever anyone has a problem is “That’s because God hates you.” It really is a pretty good answer because 1) people often find it funny and 2) based on everything happening in the world there is a good chance it is true.
So I started thinking: “How can I use this witty response to my, I mean TDTBNL’s, benefit?”
That’s when it hit me. The cult needs to start one of those phone answer lines. Basically it’s like a psychic hotline, but for advice. Now, I am willing to anoint all of our operators as “reverends”. Of course that title doesn’t mean a damn think to our cult. Really, no good cult anoints “reverends”. I mean, shit, Jim Jones was named “reverend” by a church before he really made his own cult. Cults all have things like “high priest” and shit like that.
Anyway, what will happen is that when someone calls in, at the reasonable rate of $2.95/minute our staff will listen to your problem. They will patiently hear all you have to say, and will ask several questions just to make sure they understand your problem. They will also make sure they have useful information like your age, shoe size and favorite color. Then, in response to your dilemma, they will inform you that the problem is that God hates you.
Now, that isn’t the end game here. Sure we have the $2.95 a minute for the call. That’s a nice contribution to the cult’s coffers. But we will tie in a new marketing campaign: “God may hate you, but TBTNL loves you.” First we mess with your faith, and then we offer you an alternative. Yeah, there are string attached, like all the money we want, the marriage rules and all the control over your life we intend to exert, but I think that is a small price to pay.
Now, I know some people are a little concerned about this being a gross heresy. And I can’t deny that it really is. But is it really any worse than worshipping a deity that has thus far refused to even give us a name to call him, or her. Heck, we don’t even know its fucking gender. I suppose I’d better figure that one out.
Apply to be a "reverend" in the forums.
cult, revelation, phone, psychic, god, hates, you, reverend
cult, revalation, phone, psychic, god, hates, you, reverend
Lately my answer whenever anyone has a problem is “That’s because God hates you.” It really is a pretty good answer because 1) people often find it funny and 2) based on everything happening in the world there is a good chance it is true.
So I started thinking: “How can I use this witty response to my, I mean TDTBNL’s, benefit?”
That’s when it hit me. The cult needs to start one of those phone answer lines. Basically it’s like a psychic hotline, but for advice. Now, I am willing to anoint all of our operators as “reverends”. Of course that title doesn’t mean a damn think to our cult. Really, no good cult anoints “reverends”. I mean, shit, Jim Jones was named “reverend” by a church before he really made his own cult. Cults all have things like “high priest” and shit like that.
Anyway, what will happen is that when someone calls in, at the reasonable rate of $2.95/minute our staff will listen to your problem. They will patiently hear all you have to say, and will ask several questions just to make sure they understand your problem. They will also make sure they have useful information like your age, shoe size and favorite color. Then, in response to your dilemma, they will inform you that the problem is that God hates you.
Now, that isn’t the end game here. Sure we have the $2.95 a minute for the call. That’s a nice contribution to the cult’s coffers. But we will tie in a new marketing campaign: “God may hate you, but TBTNL loves you.” First we mess with your faith, and then we offer you an alternative. Yeah, there are string attached, like all the money we want, the marriage rules and all the control over your life we intend to exert, but I think that is a small price to pay.
Now, I know some people are a little concerned about this being a gross heresy. And I can’t deny that it really is. But is it really any worse than worshipping a deity that has thus far refused to even give us a name to call him, or her. Heck, we don’t even know its fucking gender. I suppose I’d better figure that one out.
Apply to be a "reverend" in the forums.
cult, revelation, phone, psychic, god, hates, you, reverend
cult, revalation, phone, psychic, god, hates, you, reverend
posted by R. U. Serious | 10:53 PM
