TDTBNL be praised

OK, I have a fatwa.

Well, maybe not a fatwa. I am not sure we have fatwas. First off, I don’t want to take that word from the Muslims. They have really run with it. It would be wrong to steal a word they have made their own. But I can do whatever the hell I want. I mean, I can do whatever I am led by TDTBNL to do. And he has led me. Oh yes, I am led.

I was driving to the store yesterday cause I needed to deposit a check. And, by the way, it was not a contribution. You people are really slacking on the donations. I am not going to pretend that it’s cheap doing all the missionary work I am led to do. Every 3 minutes speaking with the wayward ladies can cost $20. I mean I usually get to talk to them for a while for free. Sometimes I have to buy a shot of Patron. (They get a shitload for those fuckers, but it’s worth it to share the sacraments with a potential convert.) But eventually they want a dance. And then it’s like $20. That shit adds up.

But the point was what I saw when I was going to the store to deposit the check at the only branch of my fucking bank near my house. Don’t ask me why that is. It’s a big fucking bank. And it’s not like I live in the boonies. All I have is these fucking ATM’s that won’t take deposits. That really sucks.

But I’m not fatwaing or whatever the fuck it’s going to be called my bank. No, it’s this Larry the Cable Guy shit. I really assumed that the movie where he is playing a Health Inspector was some kind of joke. Surely nobody is actually going to release a movie like that. Then I drive by this theater and I’ll be damned if they weren’t actually showing it. That is just wrong.

I was once forced to sit through his routine on TV. That was sheer torture. I can see maybe laughing at him if you were really mean spirited, but they taught me in school not to make fun of the special ed kids. These people seemed to really find his routine amusing. I am really unclear as to what exactly he said because I was really dazed at first and then I started babbling incoherently and I believe I may have started speaking in tongues. I’m not sure if we believe in that so it may have been just some kind of defense mechanism.

Anyway, here is the fatwa. I had considered calling for the killing of Larry the Cable Guy, but then I realized that he would then be in that group of fat dead comedians, many of whom had actual talent, and they don’t deserve to have him mentioned in the same sentence. So instead I am fatwaing the movie. Nobody is allowed to see it. And, no, you can’t see it if you get a free ticket because they will still get money from the popcorn and shit and I know damn well you will hit the concession stand. Also, you are to kill anyone who admits to seeing the movie. And if they not only admit to seeing it but refer to it in any way as “funny”, “good”, “entertaining” or anything more positive than “horrid”, you are to kill their children and their parents to make sure the gene pool is cleansed.

So you have your orders. Go forth and slay. Oh, and make some fucking contributions. I think Diamond is close to converting.

Discuss this fatwa in the forums.

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Regarding polygamy

There sure is a lot of polygamy on TV lately. And I notice that none of the real ones look like Chloe Sevigny. Of course, after seeing her blow Vincent Gallo in Brown Bunny I just can’t keep her on my list. It’s that whole “contamination” that comes with being with some guys. I still can’t get past Angelina Jolie being with Billy Bob Thorton for Christ’s sake, and I at least admire his talent. Vincent Gallo is all the sleaze with none of the skill.

But that really isn’t the point.

I watched a special on A & E about polygamy, and it was really revealing. Of course it wasn’t revealing in the way either the producers or the polygamists wanted. I think I have figured out their secrets, and the bastards are really fucking sneaky. They are just pretending they want polygamy to be legalized. They don’t. They want to keep it all for themselves.

What tipped me off was that most of the women looked alike. At first I thought it was because of their rules about conservative dress and long hair. But the look looked so familiar, and I certainly don’t hang out with many religious conservatives. Then I realized where I had seen the look before. These women all seemed to have the same look you see on 50 year old bar chicks. This is really odd when you consider that they all belong to religions that forbid drinking and smoking.

That’s when it hit me. These guys that run these groups were really picky about whom they let be filmed. I mean, think about it. All we ever hear is how they are marrying these young girls. Now I can see why, being sneaky bastards, they wouldn’t want to publicize the 13 and 14-year-old brides. That will get your ass thrown in jail and attract all sorts of pervs. But you’d have to figure that some of these guys have got to actually have some young attractive wives that are older than 14.

But they know if they showed some 50-year-old fat guy with long hair and a ratty beard surrounded by young attractive wives, they are going to have hundreds of guys showing up and wanting some for themselves. It would have to be hard for them to keep control of the women if they realized that it was actually possible to marry a guy that doesn’t look like Santa’s evil twin. Plus these guys that move in may have their own money, so the ability of the “church” to control them will be a lot harder.

The other thing that became obvious is that there are some people who will do anything to get away from their family. In this case they had a man and a woman who had both left their spouse and kids to become polygamists. The telling thing was that they both had left 11 kids. Well, shit, if I had 11 kids I might be looking for an excuse to get out too. Since I am probably too old to join the military, claiming a religious revelation would be about the best way to get out. Now I would have gone with the whole “God is leading me to be celibate” thing, but these people decided to go the other way. Personally I think that is a risk because your spouse may decide to come with you and then you still have these 11 kids plus however many kids you end up with from the new wives. Plus you have to deal with multiple pissed off wives. There is no way I trade 1 wife and 11 kids for 4 wives and 20 kids.

The other thing is I recognize the real problem these polygamists have is that they have to keep attracting more women. Ultimately you can only marry so many pre-pubescent nieces. I guess that is why they have so many kids. The can excommunicate the boys and marry the girls. But you eventually have to get more women. . So what do you do? Apparently you go on TV with your creepiest, hairiest men and have them sit there and talk about how wonderful polygamy is. Surely that will attract throngs of attractive young women, right? (BTW, I accidentally typed that as thongs originally. I am betting that these women aren’t allowed to wear thongs.)

Listen, it’s their cult and they are free to do whatever the fuck they want, but I think it’s a bad PR move personally.




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New commandment

I command ye to go forth and join the new cult forum so the may fellowship with thine bretheren and sisterin.

Clicketh thee here