The cult returns

OK, I know I have been neglecting the cult. TDTBNL hasn’t been too chatty. It seems he took offense when I said that I would never condone mass suicide. He has no intention of asking us all to die, but he wants the option. Basically he and I have been arguing about this shit for weeks. But now we have reached an agreement. We won’t ever have a mass suicide, but he does reserve the right to require each member to have a nasty paper cut.

Now that that is out of the way, we have a new revelation: ALL MARRIAGES MUST BE APPROVED BY THE CULT LEADER.

There have been many recent events that have inspired this decision. First and foremost, there are way too many insanely hot women with really shitty guys. Between rich dorks and good-looking assholes, women seem to have really lost touch with their worth. I don’t want to have to look at any of that, even if it is only for the 2 years that a cult marriage will last. I also do not want to risk some hot chick having some ugly guy’s baby, resulting in a general deterioration of the physical appearance of cult members. It is vital that we have hot members if we are to continue to attract new converts.

But we also have the need to make ugly people with a shitload of money want to join. To do this they will need to think they have a chance with one of the hotties. Obviously the pairing of only attractive people would be a problem in this area, but I have a solution.

As you know, we are looking to attract celebrities. As you also know celebrities tend to be more attractive, but also more obnoxious, than normal people. It seems only right that they be punished for their ugly behavior. What better way to do that than to pair them up with really ugly people who have a shitload of money?

This plan has a lot of advantages. First, celebrity weddings are high profile. That gets us a lot of press as the cult where ugly guys get hot famous chicks. That will bring us more money. Second, celebrity chicks tend to only want to adopt kids. There are exceptions, like Brittney, but most of the time they don’t want to get knocked up because it will ruin their figures. That means we aren’t diluting the gene pool. Plus, let’s be honest, do we really want most celebrities to reproduce? Do you want the Hilton clan to continue, or do we want them to die off? Lastly, we get to vicariously enjoy making these spoiled bitches suffer.

Now I can hear the ladies asking, “What about us?” Well, don’t worry. The only things worse than celebrity chicks are celebrity guys. At least I can look at hot celebrity chicks and get wood. The guys don’t do that for me. So we will be assigning celebrity guys at random. There will be exceptions. Those ladies that please me (i.e., get me a shitload of cash) will get to choose their mate. And the truly obnoxious men and worthless men (think Ashton Kutcher) will be punished by being forced to marry the most obnoxious female members I can find. I want these men to wish for death (so I can collect on the Life Insurance).