We won't be cloning

I thought I was going to have a major revelation yesterday. I had this amazing urge to go to the bathroom when I was at Wal Mart buying a pair of scissors. I was certain that TDTBNL had something he wanted to tell me. So I ran as fast as I could, pushing my cart, to the bathroom back by the layaway department. Unfortunately there was someone in that nice big handicapped stall, so I had to use the little one.

It turned out that the Chinese food I had for dinner was just rushing through me. False alarm.

But this morning in the shower I did have a revelation. See, I needed a new shower mirror for shaving and learned something strange. It cost about as much for a shower mirror with a radio as one without. So I got the radio. It is good because it gives me some sort of entertainment in the shower. I don’t jerk off in the shower so it really was kind of boring in there. I am sure being boring saved me money on water and all that, but now the time just flies.

Anyway, it is a pain in the ass to tune in any stations on that fucker. The knob is real small, the numbers seem all messed up, and it has shitty reception. So I leave it on the station it is tuned to. This happens to be a talk station, so I get Stern for my morning shower. This further cements my desire not to jerk off in the shower.

This morning he was out so they had a repeat. I consider the repeat a sign. In this case he was talking to a Raelian chick. Before I go any further I seriously encourage you to learn about these guys. If you happen to have been sober at the right moment you may have heard about some scientists that claimed they had cloned a baby. That’s these nuts. See, they think all life on this planet was created by alians, and the cloning thing is their way of continuing that process.

But the important thing about this cult is that they have an obscene number of hot female members. According to a caller on Stern, and I have heard this before, they have a lot of Canadian strippers as members.

Quickly, as an aside, Canadian strippers are like the holy grail of strippers. With the exception of the donkey shows, everything you would associate with a really shitty Mexican strip club happens in a Canadian club, except the girls are smoking hot. They get dancers from around the world, so no matter what your tastes, they have what you want. Plus, they will forever be associated with shooting ping-pong balls across the bar which, while I have no desire to do this at home, is just twisted enough to keep my interest on even the worst night.

OK, back to the revelation.

These Raelians are all about protesting US military action. Personally I think this has a lot more to do with their leader being French than any sort of religious conviction, but that is not important. What is important is that they did something about it. Specifically, they held “disrobing ceremonies” outside the White House and some place in LA. And, from what I have heard, unlike typical American protesters, these were women you’d actually want to see naked. I was hoping to get some pictures for you, but they have taken a very interesting tactic.

See, they stopped putting pics of the hot female members on their site. I think that makes sense. They are all about the wild free love thing, which basically means ugly guys fucking hot chicks at will. You have to keep guys from knowing what is up because, otherwise, you have like 4-1 guys to girls, whereas their actual membership is the reverse.

But that is not what the revelation was about.

No, there was a revelation about the need for us to be more socially conscious. So I needed to come up with a cause. I am not going to get political because, as Michael Jordan once said “Republicans buy whose too.” Not that we sell shoes, but we might want to eventually. So, we will be picking a very important cause. And, to spread our message about this very important cause, we will be having a strip-in. Here is the plan. This weekend, and every other weekend until our extremely important goal is achieved, we will hold this strip-in.

The strip-in will be held at my house until we open either our new Home For Wayward Girls in Nevada or our TDTBNL Outreach Centers in Vancouver and Montreal.

So, if you are interested in helping to inform the public about this very important cause, please email me. You will need to send pictures to damnruserious@gmail.com so I can make sure you are serious about your devotion to the cult and our cause. These will need to be nude photos. And, sorry guys, but we can’t have any of the guys. Since the Raelians post all pictures of guys we don’t want to seem like copycats or anything.

Oh, and you may have noticed what I said about the Outreach Centers. Yes, we will be opening centers in those cities, where we will be recruiting. It seems these are fertile grounds for recruiting. I will personally be interviewing our Outreach Agents at various nightclubs in both locations. I need to do this while the exchange rate is still good, so please donate quickly.

Thanks.

We'll always have Paris

OK, I want to avoid all the trouble that came along with the Brad and Jennifer split. Without the cult for guidance I know you were stuck trying to decide whom to side with. As your spiritual leader I know I need to provide you with my inspired wisdom.

Of course what I am talking about is the Paris/Paris split. While there haven’t been accusations flying yet, we can be sure it is coming. Between the media’s bizarre obsession with Paris, and the fact that she is an attention whore, we know the dirt will start flying. And we need to be ready. If we are on the wrong side we won’t get the celebrities and wealthy people we need to make this bitch grow so I can retire.

Let’s go over the arguments:

First, the female Paris:

(For those who are confused the female one is the blonde, while the other one with the dark hair is actually male and not a particularly ugly woman with bad fashion sense)

OK, she is definitely the one that brings attention. This is a plus and a minus. On one hand there are a certain group of women that see her as an idol, and a certain group of men that worship her. But, it does not appear that this group includes many people with money. They more seem to be the kind of people that like to hang around celebrities and wealthy people. So getting 50% of their cash may not pay for much.

The attention also could be bad because we don’t want people judging us too early. We need to remain kind of low-key until we have a shitload of cash banked and a stable of celebrities under our control. If we have the press all over our asses then it may scare away celebrities and rich people. Instead we want that attention once we have some A-listers so the followers join to try to be cool, like what happened with Kabala.

Now, she is the hotter of the 2, but she is also a skank. She is willing to do anything for money, so I think maybe we can get the cult in to the porn business if she joins. But she pouts when you show her porn so that could bring down some of the parties that have been planned. She seems to sell damn near everything so we could slip in some subliminals in the ads, but what kind of idiot wants to smell like Paris Hilton?

Now guy Paris:

He seems to have no personality and he truly dresses badly. On one hand this is good because he can’t exactly use his charisma to steal control of the cult, and he must be pretty frugal with his money because his average outfit comes from Goodwill. If he is too frugal though we may not be able to get any money out of him. He’s not hot, so he is not competition for the ladies, but he also only attracts gold-diggers and we really don’t need any of those.

His family is clearly insanely wealthy, and he has access to cash because he bought the whore a $5 million ring that she is keeping. But if stories are true that mom and dad are the reason they broke up I wonder if his allowance has been cut. Also, how open would mom and dad be to joining themselves so we can get our hands on the rest of the cash? These are all unknowns.

So there you have the plusses and minuses in the Paris/Paris split. I’d say it’s pretty clear. We are siding with Paris.

Revelation of 10/2/05

Until further notice the holy sacraments of tequila and Jaegerbombs will be optional.

This is being done as your faithful prophet will be unable to partake for some time.

The story can be found at Scared Bunny.