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I have had a revelation.

I was watching the new show on VH1, Breaking Bonaduce. Just so you know, this is like the most amazing thing on TV. Don’t get me wrong. They have a lot of shit that is set up, but the man is truly insane, and his wife is clearly addicted to the attention. If we are going to put celebrities’ lives on TV, they need to be the really insane ones. I don’t mean Anna Nichol crazy, because someone that whines and is out of it is not interesting for long. Ozzy was OK until his wife became the major focus, because she is really not interesting.

But Bonaduce tries to kill himself on camera. Even if it is fake (and he knows how to make it look like a suicide attempt when it really isn’t) anyone willing to go that far for entertainment is so far gone that it is amusing regardless of the motivation. I hate fake “reality TV”, but I will sit through the fake when there are flashes of crazy. I like crazy.

So this has made me realize that, after we have amassed the cult’s fortune, we will go out in a blaze of glory in our own reality TV series. Everyone loves a wild ass cult. There are 3 things that always get attention: serial killers, Nazis and cults. Now, if I wanted to go over the top we could become a cult of Nazi serial killers, but I feel that would hinder our earning power, and this is still designed just to make me money and get me hot women. If we went in to Nazi serial killing the show would be huge, but the number of members would be fewer.

Plus, I was watching this movie “Serial Killing 101”. This is a great movie. It is so fucking campy that I was laughing my ass off. It has several great lines in it. Now the plot blows, but it was funny. The movie has Lisa Loeb as a high school student that has a thing for serial killers and she wants to be the first victim of a serial killer. And to get her another kid decides to become a serial killer. He fails. Plus, the guy that played the mechanic on Wings plays the “Gymnasium Class” teacher, and that is much more believable than him as a famous actor/playboy like they tried to make him in Sideways.

Anyway, the revelation involved 2 things. The first was that reality TV show thing. The second was that, unless he actually believes I am some kind of prophet and he starts to worship me, Danny Bonaduce is not allowed to be a member. First off, he’d probably just be joining to get attention, and then we’d be on his show and I wouldn’t make as much money. Second, I am not going to have some 5’ 6” guy screaming at me that I should be afraid of him every 5 minutes. As a cult leader I can’t have that shit going on, obviously.

Plus, if he joins he has to dump his wife. That woman is addicted to the attention. She’d always be looking for some way to get press and money out of his cult membership. I wouldn’t mind being her god, but unseating her twin gods of cash and publicity would be hard. I want some attention for the cult, but not before we’re ready, and not on her terms. I also don’t want the cult to end up always having “the cult that Danny Bonaduce is a member of” mentioned in any press. If it were a celebrity that people might follow that would be different, but nobody would “follow” Danny Bonaduce.

Hell, I am not sure I really want members that would follow Danny Bonaduce. On one hand they are clearly stupid enough to join and give me half their money. But they have got to come with the kind of drama that would bring police attention. We’re not ready for that. If you get that attention too soon the ATF surrounds your compound and then the FBI tries to burn you out. Instead we want the attention after we already own a town the way that the Scientologists own Clearwater, Florida. The ATF is crazy, but the President won’t let them burn down a good-sized city, even if it is full of midgets.

I know that my revelation about not having Bonaduce in the cult is minor, but the TV show idea is huge! Usually cults just have a movie of the week and an A&E show. We want to be on for half an hour a week, 22 weeks a year. Now we don’t want to be on cable because the seasons are too short. They take the whole year’s worth of episodes and show them in like six weeks. The shows are on every day and people get sick of them. Even on HBO the seasons are too short. If you only do 6-8 shows you end up with like 1 DVD per season. We want to get the cash from a 4-5 DVD set every year.

So, as you are recruiting fellow members, in addition to people with lots of money and people who are hot, please find photogenic people with good abs so we have a good cast.

Flash The Sign

OK, I have to explain something. Our deity is called T.D.T.B.N.L., which is short for The Deity To Be Named Later. That is just too fucking long to type, so instead I have T.D.T.B.N.L. in memory to cut and paste when I write this shit. That way I don’t have to use the shift key as much and all that. This revelation proves that T.D.T.B.N.L. is very loving. Do you know any other god that is concerned about your typing?

So, if you are driving around and you see people with bumper stickers saying T.D.T.B.N.L. Saves or T.D.T.B.N.L. Loves You, you know that you have met a fellow believer. In those instances I urge you to give each other our secret hand signal, which is being demonstrated by Johnny Cash in my profile pic. I am not saying that Johnny Cash was a believer, but I’m not saying he wasn’t either.

In fact, as you are going through your day I encourage you to flash the sign regularly to help you identify other believers. A really good place to do this would be at work. If your boss is also a believer I am sure that he or she will give you a raise. But many employers don’t like you to discuss religion at work, and who can blame them. You wouldn’t want to have the Jehovah’s Witnesses at your job going cubicle to cubicle handing out copies of the Watchtower. So, the next time you see your boss, I urge you to flash the secret sign and see how he or she responds.

I have also been asked where to worship if you are not in the Dallas area. This is a good question. Of course our cult doesn’t have any formal meeting places yet because you are a really cheap ass bunch of followers and you haven’t donated enough to build a temple. But, wherever you are for now is your chapel. I urge you to go to local drinking establishments to worship though. Most of them have the Jaegerbombs, Patron and hot wings. If they don’t have any of those you really need to stop going to shitty bars.

When you get to the bar, the first thing you need to do is find the other believers. This is where the hand sign comes in again. What you need to do is find the biggest guy in the bar and flash the sign to him. That is important because that way we all know who to go to even though we have never met. If you flash him the sign and he flashes one back, buy him a beer. If he ignores you, find the next largest guy and do the same. Continue to do this until you find a fellow believer.

Also, many establishments will give you a discount because it’s a religious ceremony. I don’t think they can even legally charge you tax on your sacrament. So what you need to do is flash the sign when you order your drinks so they know not to charge you the tax. The same goes for waiters and waitresses since sometimes you won’t actually be at the bar.

For those of you that partake in the sacrament of marijuana, I have arranged with every dealer in the country to give you your pot at cost. But, of course, because they don’t want everyone to know about the discount because they would go broke. So, instead of saying anything about the discount, flash them the sign. This is particularly important if you buy your sacrament from strangers on the street, because they won’t remember you are a member. Actually, since their memory is probably bad, be sure to flash the signal even if they do know you.

Finally, you may be aware that there are laws against drunk driving and smoking pot, but, of course, the Constitution allows you to do these things if they are a part of your religious belief system. It is important to make sure that any police officers you encounter when you have been drinking or smoking, or if you have any pot with you, know you are a believer. So, as soon as you see them, flash them the signal. And if they pull you over be sure they saw the signal and flash it to them until they acknowledge it. Continue to flash it to any other officers that get involved.

That is all I have for right now. I encourage you to donate so we can buy a temple. And be sure to spread the word. T.D.T.B.N.L. Saves…you money on your booze.

In the beginning

It has been brought to my attention that, in the state of Kansas, they are going to be teaching alternate theories to evolution for the creation of the earth. At first I didn’t really care because I don’t really like Kansas. With all that corn and stuff it’s really just not that much fun. It is also far too flat for me. I do like driving really straight roads at a high rate of speed, though, so Kansas does have that going for it.

Anyway, I didn’t care until I found out about some other cult that insists that their story of creation be taught as well. It seems that the worshipers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster want people to learn their teachings in school too.

Don’t get me wrong. I kind of like their religion, even if it is totally apostate and it’s adherents are going to burn in hell. I like a heaven with a beer volcano and a stripper factory. But if they are going to spread their beliefs in schools, I should be allowed to present mine. It only seems right with the whole “freedom of religion” thing that we teach alternate views. Besides, I bet the beer is Keystone Light and the strippers are the kind you find just off the interstate in some state like Wyoming.

See the Deity to be Named Later has shared with me the truth of the creation. It is not exactly what we have been taught at all. I don’t care of you are following Jesus, Darwin or Rip Taylor you have been lied to. It is time to tell the truth.

OK, here is the truth. A long time ago, and no I don’t know how long because the Deity to be Named later doesn’t measure time like we do, a group of higher spirits were sitting around drinking and getting stoned. These were all male deities, so, of course, they started talking shit and making dares and bets and stuff. They were doing shit like drinking nasty concoctions and shooting fireballs out of their asses when they started arguing about who was the real top deity. It was decided that they would have a world creation contest, and whoever created life first would win.

Our world was the first one created. What he did was basically grab a planet that was floating by and he pissed on it. That is where the water comes from. Unfortunately he had been eating a lot of pretzels and chips and stuff, so there was a lot of salt in his piss, which is why the oceans are real salty.

Then he sprinkled some seeds on the planet. All he had was pot seeds, so the first plants were in fact all weed. (This is something he fixed later because he had these people all stoned all the time and they would get hungry, but there wouldn’t be any food so they were always making him miracle them some pizza and shit, and he got tired of that).

As you would expect, his god prick always has some god semen in it. That is pretty much the same as us really. The first life forms on the planet were actually giant god sperm, which became whales. Because of the pot he smoked, some of the god spooge was undersized and those became fish.

Not enjoying swimming in god piss all of the time, some of the sperm used their god DNA to grow legs and crawled up on the land. When they got there all they found though was weed, so that is what they ate. Needless to say the world was a very peaceful place at this time. As they were always stoned they were always thinking wild shit. They would imagine all sorts of different animals and, because they had god DNA, and were out of control of their powers due to the weed, they would instantly transform to those creatures. That is where all the different creatures came from. Obviously some of them were very poorly planned, because stoners aren’t really the people you want inventing life, so those animals are now extinct. Some of the creatures were better and they are still around.

The problem is that, when they changed their form, it changed all their DNA, so they couldn’t change back. Plus, once the sobered up they forgot everything that had happened. And with all the weed around they were always getting stoned again which really fucked up their memories.

When God got tired of them constantly getting the munchies and begging for different things to eat, he eliminated most of the weed and created new plants that they could eat. That meant they weren’t stoned as often, which was both good and bad. It meant that the Deity to be Named Later had more free time, but they were suddenly less peaceful, and they also started fighting over the good plants. They also started eating the animals that their former cohorts had accidentally turned in to, and started fighting over them too.

The deity tried to separate them and he scattered them all over the planet. That worked for a while, but they would wander all over the place, and they were fucking like rabbits, and before too long they were bumping in to each other and then they would fight and steal women and shit. That’s when the Deity to be Named Later said, “fuck this shit” and just let them do whatever they wanted for a while. It is only now that he has allowed a spirit to speak to you, through me.

So I will be petitioning the State of Kansas to start teaching the truth about the creation in their schools. They may want to do it the same day they have the DARE guys come in though.

I have spoken.