Marriage Rules

I have just had a revelation. It is a real pain in the ass figuring out what age a bride is supposed to be under the existing strategy, so I have done what all good leaders do. Rather than abandoning the rule, I am going to add more restrictions. If you look at all the great religions and cults that is the way they operate. They just keep adding rules until there is a schism, which I prefer to call “franchising”.

So, here is the deal. Men can only get married in the years when their age is an even number. Women can only get married in the years when their age is an odd number. That works real well because the formula will be easier to understand. I mean, this year I’m 35, so the allowable age would be 24 ½. I don’t like that. So I can’t get married until I turn 36 next year, when the perfect age will be 25. Much easier. Really, aren’t we all too old to be talking about being a fraction of a year old? At least we all should be because I am only willing to defraud believers who are of age.

I also have decided we will be the opposite of those weird cults you hear about where the only way to join is to be born in. We will only allow members to join by conversion. Members won’t be allowed to have children. It’s OK if they come to the cult with kids, but no conceiving post-conversion.

The thing is, I don’t want to have too many kids involved in the whole spouse swap thing. It will be very confusing for them. Having already gone through one divorce in most cases, I am guessing the kids will be OK with rotating stepparents. Plus, as a kid of divorce myself, I am sure they will already be fucked up so it’s not like we’ll be making things worse. If a parent decides to bring their kids in that’s OK, but they need to really know the kid is able to handle it when they join. That will be up to the parents because I haven’t set any parenting laws yet. I am sure I will though.

Another reason is that I don’t want a complicated web of child support payments, or members jockeying to get the wife with the big support checks coming to her. That could just get ugly. It is also hard to get the government to assign us 50% of a child support payment; no matter how much (deity to be named later) thinks we should receive it. We all know the government is against our noble mission.

Finally, and most importantly, money spent raising children could be put to other uses. A good example would be the weekly love offerings to buy the ministry that Mustang Gt-500e I have mentioned.

So, I am urging all of my male followers to get vasectomies, and urging the female followers to go on the pill. By urge I, of course, mean demand. I will make an exception for women who can get a doctor’s not certifying they have gone through menopause. Sorry guys, but the only acceptable evidence for you will be proof of the vasectomy. I don’t want to hear anything about a narrow urethra or anything like that. It has to be confirmed that you had the damn thing and that it worked if you want the cult to bless your marriage.

Oh, and you don't have to be married to be in the cult.

Fighting evil forces

OK, there are people asking me, what does your cult believe? I could just say to read the posts below and you will get the answer, but that appears to be too much work. This originally annoyed me, but then it occurred to me that it’s in my best interests that as few people as possible actually read the holy writings of the cult. All you have to do is look at the Catholic Church and you can see that the spread of literacy was terrible for the church. Back when people couldn’t read, and there wasn’t any sort of printing press making books readily available to the masses, people just did what the church said.

Then that bastard Guttenberg starts printing bibles and you have people realizing that there were preachers making shit up. I imagine it was hard on some of those priests and bishops. Looking at history they had a shitload of money, so I think they didn’t take that whole vow of poverty thing seriously. It must have been much easier when you could tell someone the bible said to give the3m all your cash and if they doubted you, you had the only bible in town to them and said “Prove it doesn’t.” and the dumbass serf had to mumble something about how they couldn’t read and shuffled off.

And even after literacy this has been a problem. Not only do you have the battle between denominations about what the bible says and what it means, you have other religions that have been bitten in the ass by older versions of their holy writings. Look at the Mormons. People with older versions of The Book of Mormon and Doctrines and Covenants have been pointing out where they said one thing back then and something totally different right now. That has to suck, and I know it makes it hard to keep all but the most moronic members in line.

So it is in my best interest that you don’t really read the older writings. That way, if something changes, I don’t have to worry about it. I could find out that something I decreed had unintended consequences. For example, I may find that getting a new bride every two years is a real pain in the ass. Or I may find that I really can’t stand one of them, so I need to change the whole stand on divorce. And the tithe of course seems to go up and down depending on the day. I am assuming that our lord (whatever his name is) isn’t really set on a figure yet. I know that this morning he said 50% would be sufficient. At least I think that’s what he said. I was in the shower and I heard something like that. But with the water running it can be hard to hear. I’m sure you all understand that.

So, here is what I am going to be doing. I am going to be posting the belief system basics at the top of the blog, with a date way the hell in the future so it stays up there. That way, the only thing you really need to read is that piece. I swear it won’t contradict anything below, and why would someone taking half of your income lie?

That reminds me. There have been questions about whether the 50% is before or after taxes. This has been contemplated for some time while I waited for guidance. Originally I was thinking after tax, but then I remembered that unscrupulous members of the cult might try to play games by having huge 401-k contributions and the like that are pre-tax. We can’t allow your willfulness to compromise your soul. The role of a good cult is to make sure the belief system protects you from yourself. So we are going with before taxes. That could be why what’s his name changed it from 80% to 50% this morning. Maybe he is trying to compensate for a move from after tax to pre-tax. Our whatever he is sure is thoughtful.

I also think some of you have no idea how hard it is to interpret the signs for guidance. I get these signs a lot though. Plus it is possible that some of the signs are actually sent by our spiritual enemies to corrupt our belief system. I really think the spirits behind other cults are afraid of us, so they want to ruin us.

Anyway, one of the things I thought might be a sign was that show “The Girls Next-door”. For those unfamiliar with it, it is about the girlfriends that live at the Playboy Mansion. You can see how that would seem like a possible sign. I think I was being led astray by the idea of a team of really hot girlfriends that can be dismissed whenever I tire of them. Plus, since we already know that we need a large compound to house the operations of the cult, I was really thinking that I was being shown how we need to arrange things. But then I got a counter-sign.

See, as I watched the show, taking notes, a couple of things really struck me. The first was that all of these women had pets. There are like 9 dogs and a cat in the fucking mansion. It seems that hot young women like pets. I was unaware of this. And they have yappy dogs, not real dogs like mine. I don’t like the idea of all these little dogs shitting all over the place and yapping when I am trying to sleep. So, right there, that would be a problem. On a related note, I have been inspired that dogs under 50 pounds should be forbidden.

Second, and more important, the whole relationship he has with the girls is kind of creepy. Actually, it’s really creepy. It’s not just that once one of these women has fucked Hugh Hefner I challenge any guy to sleep with her with that visual popping in his head periodically. To me, these women are ruined for life once that happens because the idea of one of them naked and grinding on the old man more than counteracts their hotness. But the way they act with Hef is just fucked beyond my imagination.

First off, these chicks have a curfew. You have to love the way he has that worked. That rule keeps them from being out with other guys among other things, which is actually a good thing. But once he goes to bed he gets to pick one of them and the other 4 or 5 or whatever it is all are stuck in the house with just each other for fun. While that seems like a good premise for a porno, it has to be a shitty way to live.

Second, they have to ask him for permission for everything. When one of them wanted to watch a movie one night she had to ask his permission to use the big TV. He’s up in his bedroom, with another woman in bed waiting for him, and she has to ask permission. That sounds more like father/daughter than boyfriend/girlfriend to me. That creeped me out.

I am thankful for that though, because it has me convinced the original revelation was the real one, and the second one was fake. I again believe that some other supernatural force was leading me astray. But as your devoted leader I was able to see through the ploy. For that, I will be accepting your gifts of gratitude.

Push that plunger

I think I have weathered the storm. I made it through the day without calling the ex for a piece of ass. I admit totally that that was all I was looking for. I would have let her know that too. But I made it through the day without picking up the phone and asking if I could get my dick wet.

It wasn’t really that much of an accomplishment though, because my son was here and there was no way I would have had her come over while he was here. Can’t pull the old “Why don’t you go out and play while daddy breaks off a piece of ass.”

Not sure that the next time I get weak I will have my son around. School starts this week, so I will be alone more. The good news is that that means I am more likely to do something stupid, meaning more lively real life entries. The bad news is that I probably don’t need any excitement. My old heart just can’t take it.

And then I read that the Scientologists were trying to recruit Oprah. At first I didn’t give a fuck because, even though I would get 80% of her shit, I don’t want that bitch in my cult. She’d just try to take it over, and I think that Stedman is some kind of psycho killer guy. I don’t think they’re really a couple at all. I think she uses him to kill her opposition. I can see no other way she got where she is. Plus, I always wondered what happened to Phil Donahue. I think Stedman killed him and then Oprah ate his heart to consume his power.

So Oprah is out because I don’t like her. I don’t trust her. I don’t want to have to deal with Stedman trying to kill me so Oprah can eat my heart. But I wasn’t upset because Oprah was going to get snapped up by the Scientologists. I wasn’t concerned that they would start to use her show to expand their cult, making it harder for me to recruit. I wasn’t even worried that her joining Scientology would result in more videos of couch jumping by Tom Cruise, and interviews with an extremely creepy John Travolta.

No, what had me worried was the extent that the Scientologists are willing to go to to get these celebrity members. First, Travolta gave the pompous windbag a $700,000 Bentley. Then Tom Cruise bought a mansion in Oprah’s neighborhood to make it easier to recruit her. I can see it now. Tom is always stopping by to borrow sugar and does some of that Scientology voodoo magic on her until she finally gives in and the next thing you know she is in the center with a couple of V-8 cans while they ask her questions about her childhood and the massive quantities of Whoppers and Big Macs she ate in her early career.

How can anyone be expected to compete with that? I know I need to get some celebrities in the fold, but I can’t go head to head with that kind of firepower. In retrospect maybe going after actors wasn’t the best idea. The Scientologists seem to have Hollywood pretty well wrapped up. There have been some high profile misses, like every actress under 25 except Katie Holmes turning down Tom, but it seems like they have gotten most of the talent that is open to considering a dumbass religion based on the rants of some fucked up jackass. That’s pretty much what I offer too, so that pond may be fished out.

Instead, I want to target the music industry. There are some deeply disturbed individuals in the music industry. They always seem to be drunk and/or stoned, so they are easily manipulated. Plus, they are used to having no idea how much money they make and finishing their career with nothing to show for it except a crack habit and a nasty testicle infection. They won’t miss the money they contribute to the cult at all. Plus, while there aren’t a lot of women in the music industry outside Country and R&B, the guys seem to have huge numbers of women following them and willing to do anything they say. That more than compensates for the limited female prospects. Plus, it should keep us well supplied with women for those that do choose to have more than one wife. We may not have to do the swapping thing much at all.

For those looking to line up recruits, we have some guidelines though. First off, anyone in the following genres has to be approved by me before recruitment:
- Country
- Hip Hop
- Folk
- Anything not sung in English
- Hair Metal
Actually, maybe you need to just have anyone approved first. I really don’t want anyone in the cult with shitty music, a cowboy hat or allegiance to a gang. Beyond that I just don’t want anyone whose concert I wouldn’t want backstage passes to, unless they are some hot chick, have an obscene amount of money or have so many followers that we can use their fans to gain a voting majority in a state the size of Virginia. I am kind of going on the assumption that anyone like that that joins I will have to listen to, and if their music sucks they will have to be worth it.

Of course, if their music sucks I will be doing everything I can to either change their music or ruin their career as soon as I have milked them for all they are worth.

As an aside, I swear that some cult leader somewhere already did that to Garth Brooks. There is no other explanation for his Chris Gaines experiment that I can think of. I suppose it is possible he had gone on a mescaline binge and that was the end product, but I think the Enquirer would have noticed something like that, and they didn’t say a word.

I also think I need to let everyone know that I am strongly in favor of the use of steroids. I know that the whole world is telling us how bad they are, but I can’t agree with that. Personally, I don’t give a fuck what someone does to try to be better at sports or to look better. It’s their body, so if they want to mess with steroids, that’s fine with me.

Yeah, I know it does some nasty shit. I know it shortens lifespans. But it seems to me that they decided they’d rather have a shorter life with a better body. Can’t say I blame them. I know it shrinks the balls, but they aren’t my balls so I don’t give a fuck. I know it makes guys go bald, but I figure that makes my full head of hair look even better, so that’s a good thing. I know it causes acne, but, again, I look better compared to them.

To me, I want to see freakishly strong people when I watch sports. I want them to be able to do things that only science makes possible. I want to start seeing 110 mph fastballs being hit for 600-foot homeruns. I want to see 2 football players collide with such force that Drudge reports seismic activity with a big red siren thing. I want to see runners that can race against horses and win.

These people already fuck up their bodies. You think it’s a coincidence that NFL players live on average to the age of 56? I say let them do whatever the fuck they want as long as it results in more entertaining television for me.

And I don’t give a fuck that kids follow their lead. That’s just evolution in process. If parents are raising kids that will do anything they hear some athlete did, then that’s not my problem. In fact, it’s good that they start as kids because their nads will shrink before they have a chance to have more stupid kids. We can actually improve the gene pool.

In short, I am in favor of a free needle exchange not only for heroin addicts, but also for freakishly muscular people.

Bumper Cars and popcorn

Contrary to what you may think, I haven’t decided to take on a life of crime. While it is very tempting, it really just doesn’t have the upward mobility I look for in a job. Plus, if the plan is to stop dating crazy women, I probably should look to attract the kinds of women that fall in love with notorious killer. Besides, having watched a lot of A & E and The History Channel, the women that go after these guys generally seem unattractive. Maybe only the ugly ones agree to be interviewed.

In the movies they are all a lot hotter. The exception is that one wife of Chris Keller with the glandular problem. But the rest of them are all really fine. I am not sure why that is. Of course it is possible that they just use attractive people because we like seeing them more. But another possibility is that the people that make movies and TV shows are just surrounded by attractive people so that is all they have to choose from when they do the casting.

Because of this, I think the cult will need to invest in a production company.

I don’t know exactly what kind of movies we will make, but they will be better than the crap that the Scientologists are making. Not that it will be hard to make a better movie than Battleship Earth.

We won’t be making movies to try to spread the word of the cult. Part of the appeal is being on the outside of society. It’s not near as much fun to run a mainstream cult. If you look at the churches that have popped up in the last couple of hundred years, the leaders of the one’s that took off really don’t seem to be having any fun. The Mormons got rid of all the parts of the religion that were fun. The Christian Scientists seem painfully dull.

But the guys on the outside…they have a lot of fun. Just look at Sun Myung Moon. That guy has a fun life. First off, he eats off of gold plates, and they only use them once! I want to be the guy that does his dishes. He owns his own newspaper, and I swear he just runs it so he can contradict the people at the Washington Post. And when he gets bored he gets a few thousand followers together, pairs them up and marries them all at once.

It’s really too bad he hasn’t come down in favor of gay marriage. If you are going to really start fucking with your members you could have a lot of fun by suddenly deciding they are going to spend the rest of their lives in a gay marriage. As you know, I have already decreed I am in favor of gay marriage for the purposes of the cult. But rest assured I have no plans on pairing up people at random for marriage. I really don’t want to get that close to the masses.

Now, Reverend Moon has had his share of problems. That whole prison term for tax evasion thing had to suck. I imagine he was in a nicer prison than the one they sent Martha Stewart too, which is only fair because she is much more evil than Reverend Moon. At least he kept his brainwashing behind closed doors instead of taking it to network television and the shelves of your local K-Mart.

My problem with Reverend Moon is that he used brainwashing at all though. I have no plans to use brainwashing. I want followers to knowingly assign control of their lives to me. I’m not going to use chanting, sleep deprivation and protein to weaken you first. In fact, I am going to encourage the eating of dead animals. I am not going to encourage sleeping because any time spent sleeping is time not spent earning money for the tithe. I do see that sleep makes workers more productive though, so I am in favor of it in general.

But, back to the whole movie thing. Yes, we are going to be producing movies and TV shows. I think that will really help us make a lot more money. I look at all the cash Hubbard’s boys rake in. I was reading that getting the whole alien spirits possessing your body secret costs like $200 grand. And they want years to get you to that point. I will reveal our most serious religious revelations for $100,000, and I’ll tell you as soon as the check clears.

By having a production company we can attract some celebrity followers. I am not doing this because I like celebrities, because I actually have a lot of disdain for most of them. But they have a lot of money in general, and they will also help us lure in other members who are stupid enough to think celebrities are somehow more intelligent because they can memorize scripts and read cue cards. Those are exactly the kinds of people we are looking to attract.

Plus, there are a lot of hot celebrities, so we will have better prospects for the marriages.

But, I just had a revelation: Celebrities should not marry one another. On one hand, it’s a good thing for them to marry because the rotating spouse thing would work pretty well with the average length of a celebrity marriage. But I want them to be marrying normal people because they need a dose of reality. On top of that, I will bless marriages of those who benefit the cult the most. I can use these stars as rewards.

The best thing about our new production company is that it will help us launder money. Having studied the movie industry I have learned that, no matter how much a movie makes at the box office, there are no profits. Nobody is ever sure where the money goes, but it doesn’t ever result in profits. Somehow there is always more money to make more movies, but never enough to generate taxable income.

And the best part is that, since the stars will have to contribute 80% of their salary to the cult, and we’ll be the one’s writing their checks, we can get all the money we put in to a movie right back out, and our accountants will make sure that happens. We can’t expect the stars to be burdened with actually writing those checks themselves, now can we? I figure we’ll be able to make a shitload of money, but none of it will be taxable. We just take the “contributions”, reinvest them in more movies, and the whole thing is like a Ferris Wheel of cash.

That reminds me, I need to start work on the plans for our cult’s amusement park. I can’t wait to ride the Serious version of “It’s a Small World”, where all the little kids are replaced by lesbian midgets.

Don't Get Cross With Me!

I have come tonight to condemn you. I am not naming names, but you know who you are, and you know what you have been doing. The rest of us are tired of dealing with all the fall-out from what you do, and we’re not going to take it anymore.

All over this country there are people buying shit advertised in spam emails. I know this is true because there are people who are millionaires because of it. I have seen these dickheads on TV. I have read stories about them in the news. Hell, one of them was right here in Dallas.

I hate spammers, but I hate your douchebags that buy stuff from spammers even more. The spammers only do what they do because it works. If all the dumbfucks that buy from them could be stopped, we wouldn’t have this problem. So I have a proposal.

Now, as you know, it has been revealed to me that pot should be legal. I still agree with that, but I want to learn a lesson from the War on Drugs. I would hate for all that money to be wasted, and for all those stoners to be in jail with nothing for society to show for it.

So, in addition to the laws that we have punishing spammers, I think we need to start arresting and fining the dimwits buying from the spammers. Since having their credit card numbers stolen and used to fund trips to Bermuda doesn’t seem to be doing the trick, it is time for more drastic action.

Now, initially, I had a different plan in mind. I was thinking that what we would do is take away their computers so they couldn’t buy stuff anymore. But that won’t work because it turns out there are free computers at libraries and places like that. I get the feeling these morons would actually drive all the way to the library just so they could keep buying crap from spammers.

For the record, I also don’t like infomercials, and I think the same people that buy from spammers are the one’s that buy from Ron Popiel. But if an infomercial is on I can just change the fucking channel. Usually I can keep changing channels until I find something to watch and, if all else fails, I can turn on the History Channel for another episode of Hitler’s Hairdressers or whatever that shit is. The good people at Dish Network have given me something like 500 channels, so I can guarantee there is always at least one thing on to watch. Usually not much more than one thing, but at least one.

There are a couple of problems with punishing the spam buyers. First, I think it will completely ruin the Viagra market. I am not sure how much Viagra there is in the world, but based on my email I think at least half of it is sold through spam. There are actually impotence drugs I had never even heard of before they were popping up in my spam.

I also think it might crash the home mortgage market. Spam may be the only reason people are still refinancing houses today. I know that it appears I can get a $350,000 mortgage on my house, which is quite amazing because it’s not worth half that.

On the plus side, if we stop spam it’s entirely possible that the men of America may stop thinking they have small penises. Actually, scratch that. As long as most of us only see other penises in porn movies, I am betting we’ll always worry about that. Hell, for all I know the whole country does have small dicks.

If my plan to eliminate spam isn’t enacted by the congress or the UN or Microsoft or whoever runs things, then I will just have to start using spam for my own purposes. If they can use it to sell Viagra I can certainly use it to spread the word about Mel, or whatever his name is. I plan on finding his actual name before sending out any mass email of course.

I took a quiz to see if I have Irritable Male Syndrome. According to the quiz, I definitely have it. Being both irritable and male I am somewhat surprised that it takes a quiz to determine this is the case. I guess the quiz confirms the syndrome part.

Now, what all this supposedly means is that I have a shortage of testosterone. I am somewhat conflicted in believing this is possible. On one hand, it’s not exactly like I have a lagging sex drive. In fact, despite my recent celibacy, I can honestly say I am incredibly horny. But, I do have all my hair on my head, and none on my back, so it is possible I do have low testosterone. Plus, an online quiz would never lie to me.

So I think I’ll have it checked out. I have this huge deductible I need to get used up anyway, and this is as good a way as any. If the tests don’t show anything then all I did was waste time and money. But if they do show something not only do I get to deal with these terrible Irritable Male Syndrome symptoms, according to the news lately I think I get to play Major League Baseball if they put me on testosterone. I always wanted to play Major League Baseball.

Either that or I have to testify before Congress.

Hell, maybe I get to do both.

I also thought I should mention that the media is trying to say that the round up of people in orange had nothing to do with me. They say that it has something to do with Gaza, Palestinians and the peace process. It’s so obvious they are lying though. How can it have anything to do with any “peace process” if it was done by guys with guns? I know a thing or two about peace, and typically you don’t use guns when you are doing something peaceful. If you want to be peaceful you might show up at the door with flowers or candy or a stuffed bear wearing a ScaredBunny.com t-shirt. But you sure wouldn’t show up with automatic weapons.

They don’t even mention me in their stories, because they know people would see through it. Instead they pretend I don’t exist. But I know the media found me. They have to be the one’s that were Googling “Fucking methods to satisfy a woman” and “Why is the man in the OxyClean commercials yelling?”. I know what they are up to. They can’t fool me.

Plus, I was reading the news sites and they had some guy run over some crosses in Texas. They had his picture…and guess what he is wearing in the picture…




Yes, you see it too. They are putting men in orange behind bars right here in Texas. The word is spreading!

Power Hungry

I really want the job I interviewed for today. It’s not because it would be a great place to work, although it would be. It’s not the great money either. What it is is the building the office is in. See, this building is absolutely full of gorgeous women in those business suits with the short skirts. Oh my God I have a thing for that look. And, before I get the whole thing about dating at work, I am not talking about women that work for the same company. This is a huge building with dozens of tenants.

Plus, it’s surrounded by several similar buildings full of similar companies staffed with similar women. I figure I need to look for some way to meet women because there aren’t any here in my house. I looked very thoroughly today and didn’t find one in any of the rooms. I though maybe somewhere in the back of the closet, but nope. I asked my dog if he had seen any women, and he didn’t answer. I am not sure if that was a not or if it means he’s keeping them all to himself.

Unlike many people, I don’t have a dog that talks. I actually don’t have a dog that does much at all. A couple of times a day he likes to go outside and piss, and although I never see him do it I can tell he shits out there too. But most of the time he just lays down and sleeps.

He actually does move sometimes though. He normally sleeps at the back door, but he will get up to sleep at the front door. He started doing that when Heather left. See, he really liked Heather. Mostly he was protective of her because she found out she had Hepatitis while we were together, and was really sick. He worried about her. When she left, he missed her.

He started moving to the front door whenever the heater or air conditioner would kick on. He’s hear the door move and think it was her and trot over there. When she didn’t come in he’d just lay down there and wait. Now he moves there out of habit, even though he doesn’t seem to be waiting for anyone. I don’t even think he knows why he does it anymore, but he still does it. Hell, he just did it.

I think I am going to pick some celebrity, probably one I don’t like, and start a rumor about them. I have been noticing how stories get posted and then get twisted and emailed all over the place, and I want to be a part of that. Recently, for example, you may have heard that the Rolling Stones have a new song out that supposedly takes a shot at Bush. I haven’t heard the song, so I have no idea if it does, and I don’t care. Mick Jagger says it doesn’t, but he also said that he’d never be playing Rock and Roll at 50 too, so we know what his word is worth.

What I do know, though, is that the story about the song came out the same time that the announced that the Rolling Stones were doing something for Monday Night Football. Of course places like Drudge have both of these stories together, some guy sees both headlines together, and the next thing you know there are people saying that the anti-Bush song that isn’t anti-Bush will be the new Monday Night Football theme song.

I am not going to get in to the politics of the issue. I’m not going to discuss celebrities getting in to politics. I’m not even going to discuss the fact that Mick Jagger’s age, his questionable fashion sense or his giant lips. What I am going to say, though, is that you can get thousands of people to believe something if you start a good enough rumor. All it takes is something interesting that is also controversial enough that people pass it on out of outrage before they have time to check it out.

I won’t be saying it in this post though. When I do it I will start off with it and won’t mention a damn thing about this plan. I want people who just come across the post, or have it sent to them, to just jump out of their skin and to start emailing to everyone they know. It wouldn’t work if I spent several paragraphs in advance explaining it was a lie I made up.

I have learned first hand just how powerful this blog can be. It appears that I have big fans in the Israeli Army, because they really started going after people in orange. They really took it to an extreme. I thought maybe a couple of Home Depots would be looted and torched, and that Tony Stewart might get the ass kicking he has deserved for the last few years. But I had no idea things would get as out of hand as they have.

In Israel some deranged fan got the army to start rounding up people wearing orange and kicking them out of their houses.



Now I am really conflicted about what to do. On one hand I can’t exactly condone kicking people out of their houses because of the color of their shirts. But I have to admit it is kind of nice having people follow my instructions so blindly. And as a future cult leader, these are the kinds of people I need to be cultivating.

You know, a lot of you have posted supportive comments and said you want choice positions in the cult, but I don’t see any of you guys out there taking care of business like these guys. Clearly I am going to have to refocus my recruiting efforts to the Middle East.

I think that, ultimately. I may be able to end the whole Middle East problem thingy. All these Muslims and Jews hating each other could be eliminated if they all just stopped being Muslims and Jews. I am going to work to convert them all. Then, instead of fighting each other, they can fight whomever I tell them to.

Plus, there’s a lot of money in them oil fields. 80% of all that OPEC oil would be nice.

I now see that this is destined to be a major international force for good. Of course, by good, I mean it will be good for me.

Orange Riots

I had the strangest dream. I had gone ahead and written the book about my dating life, it got published and I was on a book tour. One of the stops was here in the Dallas area. While in town I was on a radio show and Heather called in and went nuts on the air. Later that day I was at a book signing and looked up and saw Heather was in the line a few spots from the table. I had her removed and she went insane all over the bookstore. After the signing I went to a local bar and guess who was there…

That is the lame thing about writing this shit sometimes. I kind of have to think about her to write because I am thinking about the past to see if there is anything I feel like writing about. Having a woman like her pop in to my mind is not exactly fun though. The good parts aren’t what show up. I see the screaming ranting psycho that broke down a door with a 2x4 and rammed a nail in to her own arm.

It would be better if the dreams were at least interesting enough to fill a whole entry. But they aren’t.

You know one thing that really sucks is that we don’t have any good civil disturbances these days. We had the Rodney King riots and the anarchists that protest shit, but those really sucked. The Rodney King riots just hurt poor people and the anarchists are all just trying to stick it to their parents by torching a Starbucks.

Other countries have much better riots. You’d think we’d have some good ones here. We should be ashamed of ourselves. I think we need to have some good old-fashioned “take it to the street” action. But we need a good cause. I can’t get behind the whole anti-war movement as the cause because that reminds me too much of the hippies and they all looked like they stink. Besides, political causes have been done to death.

Instead, I propose we have mass protests against the color orange. I really don’t like orange much. I do have one kind of pale orange shirt, but I would be willing to sacrifice it for the cause. The basic plan would be that we get thousands of people together, march down the street and destroy anything we see that is orange. I think we should conclude at a home depot. I am guessing they will mass the police to keep us from trashing the joint, although we can’t be sure.

This week was the World Track and Field Championship. Did you watch it? Neither did I. Honestly I couldn’t even tell you if they televised it. I assume they did but I sure didn’t hear about it being on.

The problem is that track and field is just too boring. I’m not saying that they aren’t great athletes, because they are. But it’s time we start making sports more fan friendly. So I have proposed a few changes.

1) All of the events will now be full contact

I think this will do a lot to make things more interesting. Imagine what would happen if you could take a swipe at the guy in the lane next to you. There would be a lot more strategy because you’d have to decide if you wanted to slow down enough to try to knock the other guy down. This would, of course, be a lot more important in the distance events where people would have more time to beat on each other.

2) In all sprints, have rabid wolves chasing the runners

I think that it would be a lot more interesting if you had to worry about getting eaten. You combine that with the full contact and suddenly it becomes a life or death event. I have long advocated that all sports need serious risk of injury.

3) In the throwing events, the contestants have to stand on the field wherever their javelin/shot put/hammer lands, with their back to the next contestants

This one was a little harder. I am not really sure the full contact thing would work in the throwing events because you would just have to stand there and trip the guy as he ran or spun to throw. So, to add a little excitement, you have to worry about getting killed by the guys after you. But what greater motivation is there than to have to be the furthest out there to guarantee the other guys can’t hit you. This has the added advantage of allowing some additional scoring methods by allowing bonus feet to the toss if you hit another competitor.

4) The long jump will have a spike pit for the first 18 feet of the landing area, starting right at the foul line

This has 2 reasons. First, we need to add danger. Second, the whole foul line thing is a pain in the ass. So we basically do away with it. But if you are off stride and step over the line, you’re likely to die. And if you have a bad jump, we’re sure your mom will miss you.

5) The hurdles and bars used for the high jump and pole vault will be electrified and sharpened.

I just like the idea that you could actually lose a limb AND get electrocuted at the same time.

I think that all of these ideas should be implemented immediately. If they aren’t we can always trash the whole “orange riot” idea and protest this.

I think, in general, I want to cause a great deal of mayhem today. It could be because I have been so fucking bored lately so I want to get things rolling with a bang. I always think you should end a slump with a big gesture. What would be bigger than riots with tear gas canisters popping all over the place and the police out there in their riot gear?

I am afraid of cops though. My brother is a cop, and he used to be on the SWAT team. Those fuckers are heavily armed. I am not joking when I say that the average SWAT guy is better armed than the average soldier. I used to shoot with the cops. My brother’s cop arsenal consisted of an M-16, an MP-5, a Benelli M-1 Super 80 and 2 Glocks. And the first two were fully automatic machine guns.

The shooting range was the cops’ but the National Guard borrowed it. We were there when they shot, and we were better armed. The National Guard guys didn’t even have full automatic M-a6’s. We could have wiped them out if it ever got down to some kind of crazy cop vs. guardsman ggunfight I always secretly hoped it would, but it never happened.

Where is Matthew Lesko?

I am not going to name any names here, because I don’t want to have this person think I am picking on them, but a person that writes a blog I read regularly has been having guy trouble. This is, of course, to be expected. Every guy that writes a blog has troubles with women. Every woman has troubles with guys. That is the nature of blogs. But part of her problem has to deal with something I have mentioned here.

See, she has a male best friend. And, as seems to usually be the case, this “friendship” isn’t exactly what I would call a friendship.

First, she is interested in him. We will set aside the fact that I think it is hard to be a good friend to someone you are interested in. Instead, we are going to focus on his actions because he is so far out of line it’s not even funny.

See, he has a girlfriend. And, guess what… he has admitted to this lady that he wants to be with her instead of his girlfriend. BUT, he is still with his girlfriend.

So now I will explain why this schmuck is neither friend nor boyfriend material.

I will start with the boyfriend side because it is easier. For those keeping score, he is essentially cheating on his girlfriend, even if he has never touched this girl. Here he is telling another woman that he loves her and wants to be with her, while he is with someone else. That is so completely douchelike that I want to scream. If he knows he doesn’t love this girl, why has he stayed with her while claiming he wants to move on?

Now, let’s say for a moment that he did break up with this girl to go out with our friend. She still shouldn’t consider him. Why on earth would you trust a guy who went around behind his girlfriend’s back to be with you? Do you really think he would act differently if another pretty face crossed his path while you were together? Do you think he wouldn’t at very least emotionally betray you like he did her? Do you think he wouldn’t break up with you if he thought he could trade up?

I have a really simple rule here: I do not get involved with anyone who had to cheat to be with me or broke up with someone else to be with me. I am not going to assume I am going to get any better treatment than the last guy did. I’d like to think I am just so fucking cute and charming that I wouldn’t get that shit, but even if I were, there is always someone more cute and charming.

But the fact is, this guy hasn’t even done what it takes to be a friend.

First, he has been sabotaging her relationships with other guys. This is honestly why people can’t make good friends when one or both of them wants more. I bet if you ask this guy he will tell you the other guy was a prick, and wasn’t right for her. He may even be right. But that is not the reason he was doing what he was doing. He is trying to have both of these ladies to himself at the same time. Usually you would have to be assuming his intentions, but I’d say the fact he was telling out friend he wants her WHILE encouraging her to dump this other guy really shows where his mind is.

Second, what kind of friend encourages a woman to wait for him to get his life shit if he really is sincere about dumping his girlfriend? A real friend wouldn’t play with your heart like that. If he had those feeling he would keep them to himself until he really was available. He sure as fuck wouldn’t go for weeks saying that you are really the one he wants.

I know I am a cynical fuck, but Jesus, sometimes you see something so obviously fucked up…

I was reading the news today, and I think my cult needs a charity to go along with it. The people of some charity on the east coast loaned a bunch on money to the founder of Air America, and he never repaid it. Here’s what we know. They got the money from the government, they lent it to some guy, and now the guy and the money are gone. The charity doesn’t have the cash. Air America doesn’t have the cash. I don’t have the cash…but I could.

If we had a charity we could really help the world. Of course, by the world I mean me. I would, of course, be the chairman of the foundation. For this vital, albeit mostly ceremonial, role, I will take a modest salary. I think it is important that the foundations funds be well invested, so we will be buying the following:

- a Shelby Mustang GT500E
- a Caribbean Island
- an Residence in the Dallas area
- a helicopter
- a massage parlor
- a home for wayward girls in Nevada

I believe that these investments will do well to serve the foundations needs, and preserve the capital. The Mustang will allow me to get to the sites of various emergencies in the Metroplex quickly. And for those assets located outside the area we need a way to visit, which is where the helicopter comes in. I was considering a Gulfstream IV, but I am not sure we want to be so ostentatious. Plus we can use the helicopter to shuttle people too and from the race track on weeks there are races, which will help offset the costs. Besides, I always wanted to have a helicopter.

I am not really sure what the foundation will be doing yet besides helping people. It is, of course, very important to help people. First, we will be helping me so I can better help everyone else. Heaven knows I can’t help others if I am not comfortable. If I am, for example, worried about that kink in my back, who will minister to those poor unfortunate girls in Nevada? Who will assume the position of missionary for them?

OK, I have to sleep because I have an early morning if I am going to line up those government grants. Take care of yourself by taking care of me.

Brick by Brick?

I have to say, I am starting to feel like a renaissance man. As a writer, cult leader and now an artist, I can only ask myself: What is next for me? Hell, I am actually singing as I write this, and was briefly a member of a band in college.

I am a lot like the Dirk Diggler character from Boogie Nights. You know he had his music, his acting, his karate… Of course I don’t have the fame, the money, the sex or the 12-inch penis, or the drug habit but really, we have a lot in common. Hopefully I won’t end up turning gay tricks on the streets like he did. Even more important, I hope I don’t end up wearing bandanas and those satin shorts.

I think I have figured out how to make a lot of money with my Jell-O in the Rose Bowl thing. First, I need a corporate sponsor. In this case I am thinking of contacting Jell-O. Call me crazy, but it seems to me they are a natural. They can give me all the Jell-O for free. Then, because this will take a lot of work, we need to partner with a charity for the labor. I have chosen to pair with Big Brothers/Big Sisters. That way I have kids for the photo ops and get to hopefully meet a lot of hot single moms.

Then, to actually get the cash that goes in my pocket, we apply for lots of grants. I have been looking at the things that get funding, both public and private, and come to the conclusion that most of them have no more artistic merit than my idea. I am not going to get religious on you, but they actually paid some guy to put a crucifix in a jar of piss. For $8 for a cross and another $6 in beer you have art. I am assuming he had the jar on hand because it seems like everyone has jars in their kitchen. $14 in materials, maybe an hour of “work” depending on how long it takes the guy to piss when drinking, and he has a huge grant.

The only problem with the plan is that football season is coming, so I can’t do shit until after January 4th, which is when they play the Rose Bowl next year. In a way that is good because it gives me more time. Plus I have more time to come up with “expenses” that I can seek funding for. Plus, since the Rose Bowl is the National Championship Game this year, I get to get some extra attention from people that will see this as some kind of anti-American statement. Lots of rich people worldwide don’t seem to like the US, so I think this will be good. If I had thought about it I might have tries to get wherever they are playing the next Super Bowl, but I really like the idea of a “Bowl of Jell-O”, and chances are they aren’t playing in some place with “Bowl” in the name.

I guess I can use the site of the Super Bowl for my next project.

Unfortunately, unlike the Killer Umbrellas that Cristo did, I can’t use this project to blackmail other places. It’s highly unlikely that any countries will be afraid of me sneaking in and filling their large stadiums with Jell-O. Maybe some really dumb countries might fall for it, but not too many. So I am working on another project. Plans are very much up in the air at this point, but I am thinking about doing something with giant sledgehammers.

By the way, I have decided not to mention the O woman today. Don’t want to get her attention just yet.

I was taking another shit today though, and had another revelation. The deity actually lives in the bathroom. More accurately, he lives under the sink of our guest bathroom. I asked him if he would like the guest room, but he says he must remain close to the water. He also declined to move to the more spacious master bath for some reason I don’t quite understand. I think he likes to play with my son’s bath toys or something. Who can blame him? The kid has enough toys to stay in the bath for an hour.

This is a real problem because, of course, the original plan was to use donations to buy a compound on an island somewhere. I can’t do that if the revelations must all occur here in this house. So I am looking in to a couple of options.

The best option would be to have the entire house moved to the island. This would be good because it doesn’t result in many changes to the existing plan. The compound will just need to be big enough that I can tuck the house away in an isolated corner where it will be out of the way and safe. Then I can just visit the shrine periodically for further revelations. This has another problem though because it will reduce the frequency of revelations, which could be bad.

The other plan is to buy the entire neighborhood and build an enormous house around the existing structure. That would make it easier to get the regular revelations. I will have to install an elevator to make bathroom trips quicker. It would be real bad to have it take a long time to get there when I really had to shit.

I also have to admit I still haven’t asked Mel what is real name is yet. It’s kind of like that webcam girl I screwed in the hotel. It’s really embarrassing to go back and ask their name after the fact. I don’t want to piss him off because he might find another bathroom. So, in the mean time, please continue to refer to him as Mel. Fortunately he doesn’t require our prayers, so it won’t be an issue. He’ll never know if you call him by the wrong name.

Last thing for the night. I now have two regular readers that link here with the same name as exes. One is not one I have mentioned in any of the stories, but it has been creepy as hell looking at the logs and seeing hits coming from blogs with those girl’s names. For that reason, we will be assigning some of you ladies new names. I will be advising those who are affected as soon as Mel lets me know what names to use.

That’s all I have. I need a PB&J, and then I am going to sleep.

Have fun, but not too much fun because Mel is a jealous God.

How about them pig nuts?

Here it is almost midnight and I haven’t even started writing. To be honest, it’s because I couldn’t think of anything. I don’t like just writing what I did today. There are tons of blogs like that and since even I fond my day-in day-out life as boring as hell, I really doubt you want to hear about that. Plus, I have my son this weekend so any stories would probably be about my kid, and if you remember my rules of blogging, the fact is nobody else finds your kid either as cute or as interesting as you do.

If I thought I could find a way to make it interesting, believe me, I would write about it. Like when my son tripped over the vacuum cleaner…that was some funny shit. Unfortunately tripping is more of a sight gag. Actually, tripping is just funny. Guess that’s the 8-year old in me coming out.

I also don’t want to write too much about the cult. I am still awaiting more revelations.

I did have one revelation though that I must share. Oprah calls her production company Harpo, which happens to be the same name as our deity. This is causing me a couple of problems. First, I don’t want people thinking we worship Oprah, because I hate that bitch. Second, I am afraid she’ll get all pissy and sue me or feature the cult on her show, which would really fuck things up before they got started. As a result I have come to realize the vision that I saw was not Harpo Marx.

As you may recall, despite being a prophet I am still a man. And sometimes we men make mistakes. In this case I mistakenly interpreted the vision as being Harpo. I realize now it couldn’t have been because there was no harp music, and Harpo played the harp. It looked kind of like Harpo, hence the confusion. Instead, the vision was the spirit of an ancient spirit. I think the spirit was Hopi, but I’m not really sure. I was kind of drunk and he may just have been saying he hopes I like buffalo wings. He either had a feather headdress or his hair was feathered. I’m fairly certain he didn’t have a mullet though.

For the time being we will refer to the deity as Mel. I don’t know what his real name is, and we have to call him something. I have sent psychic messages to Bob to ask him for his real name. I am hoping he is an understanding deity because I know some people don’t like it when you forget their name. I am hoping for another vision or an email or something.

I can hear some of you now outraged at my calling Oprah a bitch. Well, deal with it. The woman may be insanely wealthy, but all that proves is that you will never go wrong underestimating the intelligence of the American public. The fact there are legions of women following this twit does not speak well for the future of our society.

I realized how big a joke Oprah was when she got skinny the first time. I remember it because I was in college. For those that have forgotten, she was really large for years. And she didn’t really try to make any excuses. She preached a message of loving yourself no matter what you looked like.

Then one year, while the show was on hiatus, she got on a fad diet, got herself a trainer, and lost all the weight. She came back from the time off and made a big deal about her weight loss. Every other show was about how you can lose weight, how to be in shape, how good you can look…

But when you lose a lot of weight real fast, you usually don’t really make lifestyle changes. You can’t live your life on a fad diet. Eventually you break down, and when you gain weight you tend to gain a lot, and she did.

So now she is on her show heavy again. And what is she telling these acolytes now?
It doesn’t matter what you look like. Some people are just meant to be heavy, and Oprah is one of those people. It’s what’s inside that’s important.

Then she gets another trainer and a personal chef. This time she makes changes to her lifestyle and, guess what…she loses weight. So what’s the message now? You too can be thin! Follow these steps and you’ll look as good as Oprah! And this time she takes it a step further. This time she gets her trainer and her nutritionist book deals and features them on the show! So now, for $19.95, you can lose weight just like Oprah!

What the fuck happened to “Some people are just meant to be heavy”? I seem to recall Oprah even bringing in “experts” that told us people like her were healthier heavy than they are thin. And I guess accepting and loving yourself for the way you are really isn’t that important. Instead you are supposed to change who you are because who you are really ain’t that hot.

Now if someone wants to preach to the world that they need to be slim to be healthy, that’s fine. And if someone believes that some people are meant to be heavy and will be healthier when they weigh more, then by all means they should share that knowledge. But it pisses me off when someone changes their message back and forth based on their current waistline. If you figure out you were wrong, admit it and apologize. Life ain’t like Happy Days where older brother Chuck just suddenly disappears and we pretend he never happened.

Oprah needs to be more like Joe Rogan. Joe started out on News Radio, which was a real kick ass show. But then Phil Hartman got killed by that psycho wife of his, and the show tanked. So what does Joe do? He kicks around until he gets the gig on Fear Factor.

Fear Factor is one of the shittiest shows on TV. There is no denying that there is no redeeming feature to the show. They just take hot people and then make them do stupid shit for a prize you can beat in a good day on Wheel of Fortune. But people tune in because we not only want to see beautiful people; we want to see beautiful people brought down. We want to see them eat things that dogs won’t touch. We want to see them covered in roaches.

But Joe wasn’t satisfied with just being the Fear Factor guy. He became the voice of Ultimate Fighting. Ultimate Fighting is the Jerry Springer of sports. Take fit guys, eliminate most of the rules and just let them go at it. Now it’s not as brutal as it would be if I made the rules, but it is viscous. And Joe Rogan has no shame in representing his sport.

Joe revels in playing to the lowest common denominator. He doesn’t pretend to be anything other than what he is. He doesn’t even pretend to act anymore. If he goes on another show he plays himself.

Truth is, Oprah plays to the lowest common denominator too. She just does it in the guise of helping people. She gives shit away because we like to see pitiful people given things. She plays on the self-image issues people have but pretends she’s doing it to make our lives better. And she has celebrities on just like you’d read about in People Magazine.

So, Oprah, congrats on all the cash. Congrats on convincing people you are generous as you give away cars GM paid for. And congrats on getting millions to follow you blindly even though you clearly have no idea where the fuck you are going.

But I hope you end up on Fear Factor, eating pig nuts and covered in earthworms, right before you square off with Rosie O’Donnell in the first ever Celebrity Bitches edition of Ultimate Fighting Championship.

Meet my Ted Martha

Doctors suck.

For those following through this lull in the action of my blog, I am on hold on getting treated for the sleep apnea. The test results have to be compiled, reviewed by a doctor, then they give me a machine that may or may not help. That takes about a week, and that sucks. That is not, however, why doctors suck.

Doctors suck because I am under instructions not to drive unless absolutely necessary.

See, unless I pump myself full of caffeine, I can fall asleep any time of day. Needless to say this is not a great thing. There is actually a drug that will make it so I can function normally, but they won’t let me have it because I’m not being treated yet. Of course, if the treatment works I won’t need the drug.

So I get to spend the next several days at home. As you can imagine, I am thrilled. I may not have had huge plans, but it would be nice to go out.

I am sorry this space has been so fucking dull lately. I really am. But there isn’t much going on. Pretty much just work and sleep. Well, I do eat and shit too.

I have been thinking about my cult. I haven’t spent any time worrying about minor details like what we will believe, but instead I worry about big issues, like what day will the Sabbath be, and what holidays will we observe.

I have decided the Sabbath will be Friday. Sunday and Saturday were already taken. Monday is Monday Night Football, so that would be a conflict. Friday is good because then, when you partake in the sacraments (Jaegerbombs and wings for those who didn’t bother to read the last cult related post) it would be in my best interests that you not be drunk on a workday. This is important with the mandatory tithe.

Holidays will be very important though. First, we will be observing the day of my divorce. I don’t remember when this was though, so I need to look it up. Please hold on for a second.

OK, I can’t find my divorce decree. We’ll just say it’s some time in March or February and move on.

We are also going to celebrate my son’s birthday, which will be shared only with those who have joined the cult. (I’m not about to let the whole world know a 6-year old’s birthday. This is especially true since some pervert somehow got here searching for “fathers having sex with daughters”, which is, by the way, not something I have ever or will ever write about, even if I did suggest the possibility there was brother/sister incest in my in-laws’ family.) Should the cult remain in existence at the time of my death my son will of course assume the role of Prophet. And in case any of you assholes is considering a Brigham Young power play, I will have contracts set-up just in case.

We are going to celebrate August 14 because I say so.

We are going to celebrate the birthday of whomever founded the company that makes Patron. I have no idea who or when that was, and my followers are hereby charged with finding that information.

We will also be celebrating all the Jewish holidays because I have always wanted to celebrate them but I wasn’t ever allowed to.

I will no doubt come up with other holidays as the mood hits me.

You may be wondering why we aren’t celebrating my birthday. Well, I’ll tell you. I don’t even want to celebrate my birthday. In fact, were it not for my family, I wouldn’t celebrate it at all. But they enjoy celebrating it and they give me stuff.

That reminds me of something else. I am not seeing enough true believers in Scared Bunny t-shirts and hats, and I haven’t seen any Scared Bunny bumper stickers. I am beginning to think that nobody really believes in my prophethood…or is that prophetness? Regardless, if you really believe in me you will buy some shit. And, lest you think that I do this for the money, I make at most 25 cents for every item sold. I would need to convert the whole Catholic Church to make this worthwhile from a financial standpoint. I really just want to take blog pimping to the next level. I’d wear the stuff myself but being unable to leave the house, that wouldn’t really accomplish much now would it.

Oh, and I have been looking at pictures of celebrities to decide who to send shirts to. While I have picked some candidates, I have also figured out why I am not famous: I shower every day. As near as I can tell, male celebrities are far too busy to shower and shave every day. I would like to be that busy, but if I skip a shower I feel like a corpse on parade, so I can’t skip one. I was told by a female friend that they actually do shower every day, but they buy hair products to make it look like they didn’t. At first I found that idea stupid, but then I looked at the shit they do spend money on, and it kind of makes sense.

Until I have a chance to send out the shirts, I am going to go to shopping malls and put the bumper stickers on the back of random cars. I don’t think most people ever look at their own bumpers. This will be especially effective on the backs of those cars that are already covered with bumper stickers. Those people probably would just assume they had put it there themselves if they ever did notice.

Oh, and I have had a revelation. Gay marriage is a good thing. This came to me as I pondered the whole problem with not enough women to go around with the whole swapping of wives every two years. See, the one half plus seven years only applies to wives, not to husbands. Therefore men that marry other men can marry someone of any age they choose. I think that condoning gay marriage will help us to recruit faster. Plus, gay men tend to make more money.

Now, this leads us to a problem. What happens when two women marry?

If two women are both brides, they both have to be one half the other’s age plus seven years. That isn’t going to work. So, for the purposes of a lesbian wedding, neither spouse can be referred to as “bride”. From this point forward the two women will be known as Teds, as in, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded Ted.

This is what makes this a great cult. We don’t allow problems to keep us down. And, as you can see, I am clearly inspired by a higher power.

How Haile Selassie of you

I think I am going to start my own cult.

Just so you know, I intend to call it a cult and not a religion. I was thinking about it and, first of all, that would help weed out people who would be either too smart or too sane to let me have total control over their lives. Plus, were I ever brought up on fraud charges for bilking my followers out of millions of dollars, I could just tell the judge “Hey, I said it was a fucking cult. What did they expect?”

I haven’t quite figured out the whole canon of the cult yet, but I have decided to borrow heavily from various existing religions and cults.

First, I have decided I am in favor of the rule Elijah Mohammed set for picking brides. I think that a woman one half my age plus 7 years would be a good thing. I mean a 50-year old guy gets a 32-year old woman. That seems about right. Just about as young as he can handle without dying. Of course, that does raise the question about multiple wives because I think the rule about having a wife one half your age plus seven years needs to be in perpetuity.

Luckily, I was graced with a revelation today. You see they had some really old movie on called Brigham Young. Now, my father is a Mormon Bishop, so I know a thing or two about Brigham Young. Mostly what I know is shit dear old Dad wishes I didn’t know; like that his taking control of the church went against the prophecy of Joseph Smith. But, in the movie he had a really cool wife. He actually had twelve in the story they told, but they only showed one. Anyway, she was totally cool with him having all these wives. She didn’t have any problem with it at all.

I figured out why that is. It’s because he had 12 wives and not just one or two. If you have just a wife or two they are going to pick on you pretty harsh. I think we all know that women push their husbands around, and if you have 2 or 3 that just means they can take turns doing it. But if you get a shitload of wives like old Brigham had, they don’t have time to fuck with you because they’ll be too busy fighting with each other. I should have known this. The summers I spent working as the only guy on a staff I could have done anything and it would have been OK. The women always had so much infighting they didn’t have time to get mad at me. Hell, they were always trying to be nice to me because I was the only guy around. Even the ones that were totally not interested in me were nice to me.

So all my fears about having several wives went away totally. Plus all the women in the movie were hot, so I think hot women seem attracted to polygamy for some reason.

But the movie also made me realize something else. All the guys having shitloads of wives would be a problem, because you run out of women pretty quick. In the movie they just assumed they could keep recruiting women, but the math just doesn’t work. If you are in some place taking all the women eventually the guys are going to come after you with guns and shit. We don’t want another Waco thing here, so the rule will be that only I am allowed the multiple wives. If the other guys want a wife half their age plus seven years, with a new one every two years, they are going to have to work out a trading rotation amongst themselves.

Another good reason not to allow these guys multiple wives is that we can’t have morons like this reproducing at the alarming rate possible if they have multiple wives.

I had considered banning men altogether, but that would seriously limit the potential income from the whole cult. First off, men make more than women, so right there my mandatory 25% tithe would put a lot less cash in my pocket. (Did I mention the 25% tithe? Well, there will be 25% deducted automatically from every member’s paycheck.) Second, men mean more potential members. So, based on the math, we need male members.

We’re not going to be doing that thing where the cult leader gets to bang whomever he wants. I really can’t afford to be pissing off all the guys by banging their wives. I need them happy and comfortable so they can bring in that 35% tithe. (It just went up. I had another revelation when I stopped to take a shit.) If they are always scared that I’m screwing the misses while they are at work, they aren’t going to put in the mandatory 30 hours of overtime. So there won’t be any of that.

Besides, with these women being passed from guy to guy every 2 years, I don’t want to touch them.

The cult will allow birth control, but we are opposed to divorce. Instead, there can only be annulments. That will make the 2-year trade-in easier. Plus, with me getting a new wife every 2 years the amount I could get stuck with in alimony would be a killer. I already have a son, so I don’t personally need any more kids, so I’ll be having the holy sacrament of the vasectomy. I know I can get around alimony, but there is no getting around child support, nor would I want to. So I’ll just take care of that.

I have also determined that we will consume the sacrament of marijuana. To be honest, I am not really a smoker. I have tried it a couple of times but, like most things, it just makes me drowsy. But I realize it is very popular and anything that will attract people to the cult is a good thing. Plus, lots of stoners are upscale these days, and they can use the legal right to smoke. The rich stoner members will generate more money with their 40% tithe than just regular blue collar members.

We will have a holy communion every service. This will consist of Jaegerbombs and chicken wings, except on the high holy days when we will use Patron. There won’t be any of that pussy salt and lime shit with the tequila though. Patron is a gift from God, and is to be consumed and enjoyed on its own merits.

Which brings me to which God we will worship. I haven’t really decided that one yet. I know it needs to be someone besides the regular gods because there’s a lot of competition for followers of Allah, Jesus, Buddha and the guy with the elephant nose in India. We need someone unique. I think the Rastafarians were on to something with Haile Selassie. He had a cool enough name to make worshiping him fun (especially for the stoners), and most people didn’t really know much about him so you could pretty much make up whatever you want. I am thinking of having us worship Harpo Marx. Since he never said anything I wouldn’t have to worry about ever contradicting him. He’s been dead long enough most of my followers won’t have any idea who he was, which is good.

The last of my major revelations of the day also came from the Mormon Church. For those of you who don’t know much about the Mormons, the head of the church isn’t a regular preacher. His gig is even better than being Pope. See, the Pope delivers messages on behalf of God, but the head Mormon dude is considered a prophet. So whatever he says goes. The Pope kind of has that, but he has all the priests that just ignore him, two thousand years of tradition and the general acceptance by most people that there are no prophets anymore. So I am going to be a prophet in the Mormon sense. I don’t have a lot of baggage from all the false religions before me to worry about.

But the best part about being a Mormon prophet is that you are still allowed to have opinions that are not inspired by God. Plus, and this is the real kicker, declaring what was or wasn’t a revelation can be retroactive. So if I say that it’s going to rain Hershey Kisses on Tuesday and it doesn’t happen, that wasn’t God speaking, it was just me. Basically, you can’t hold all my mistakes against me because I’m only human. But I am also the only living voice of God, so you have to listen to me just in case God is feeling chatty that day.

There are still some more details to iron out, like what to call the cult, how to get members and what to do with the 50% tithe. I’ll be working on that. In the mean time, if you want to join your job is to spread the word to everyone you know. You can just email them the link to this post. And then, to show your devotion, you must buy and wear Scared Bunny clothing.

I have spoken.